Thanks for NOTHING!

If you want to be happy, be grateful………

Human evolution has seen to it that we remember failures more readily than successes. We analyse bad events /results more thoroughly than good ones. We also spend time ruminating on the when and then. When I get the job / house /result, then I’ll be happy. We don’t need training to reflect on the negative, we’re wired for this.

Appreciating positive experiences, however, requires special attention and effort. Many of us assume that good things happen because we’re deserving. This can lead to the feeling of entitlement so we might take the positives in our lives for granted. One way to avoid taking things for granted is to establish a practice of gratitude.

By attending to positive emotions, we magnify our experience of pleasure and block negative emotions (regret, resentment, envy,) which destroys our happiness and wellbeing and ultimately, our optimal functioning.

So, what can you start doing today to ensure your happiness, to feel more optimistic and to feel healthier? Here are some strategies:

• Deliberately pay attention to positive events. The most common way of doing this is to keep a gratitude journal. Gratitude works its magic by serving as an antidote to negative emotions. By paying attention to positive events you will increase your happiness.

• The one thing all of us have in common is that each of us wants to be happy. Brother David Steindl-Rest suggests that if you want to be happy be grateful.

Back of the Net!

Have you ever felt like you were running up and down the pitch, flat out, but not hitting the net?

You feel like you are putting in the time and effort but what have you achieved for yourself?

Or sometimes, out of the blue you realise that you are not sure what net you are aiming for.

A clear goal is a wondrous thing. It builds hope and hopefulness helps us to perform better. We need goals to underpin that hope, coupled with an ability to see different paths to that   goal and the energy to chase those paths.

It really helps to write down our goals, step by step, to see those goals in black and white. This little worksheet may help to focus a goal or alternative pathways for you.

‘No one keeps his enthusiasm automatically. Enthusiasm must be nourished with new actions, new aspirations, new efforts, new vision’. So says Papyrus, and the SMART goals acronym helps us build that roadmap to our goal.

S – Specific and Stretching. Go outside your comfort zone, reach outside what you know you can do.

M – Measurable. You need to know where you are on the map so you can plan the rest of your journey.

A – Achievable OR Attractive. If you don’t like it, you won’t do it!

R – Realistic. Check in with ourselves to make sure its achievable.

T – Time-framed. Set a time for your goal journey.

Take a leaf from Bel Pesce: don’t forget, enjoy the journey.

Why Zebras don’t get Ulcers - The Mind-Body Connection

Who do you think you are? - Imposter Syndrome

Who moved my Cheese? 

This month as we return to on campus education, we will all be experiencing more change in our lives as we did when we all began working remotely in March 2020. However, the reality is, things constantly change so we must adapt and stop fearing what lies ahead and instead thrive in an environment of change and uncertainty. 

The story of who moved my cheese was created by Dr Spencer Johnson to help him deal with a difficult change in his life. In fact, he said “It showed him how to take his changing situation seriously but not take himself so seriously”. In short it is a parable about embracing change. The following is “The handwriting on the Wall” that one of the characters in the book writes after reflecting on his experience in the maze: 

• Change happens: they keep moving the cheese 
• Anticipate Change: Get ready for the cheese to move 
• Monitor Change: Smell the cheese often so you know when it’s getting old 
• Adapt to Change Quickly: The Quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese 
• Change: Move with the cheese 
• Enjoy Change!: Savour the adventure and Enjoy the taste of new cheese! 
• Be ready to change quickly and enjoy it again: they keep moving the cheese. 

Here are some quotes to reflect on from Who Moved my Cheese? If you would like to engage with a coach, please review the panel here. 

1. Sometimes things change and they are never the same again. This looks like one of those times. That’s life. Life moves on and so should we 
2. Being in the uncomfortable zone is much better than staying in a cheese-less situation 
3. I guess the question is, “what do you need to let go of and what do you need to move to?” 
4. What would you do if you weren’t afraid? 

Arragh it’ll be grand! 

How often have we said that everything is grand when in actual fact it is far from grand? Why do we suppress our emotions? What is in our psyche that doesn’t allow us to show vulnerability? Emotional agility is having the ability to weed out pretence and performance which will give your actions greater power because they can then come from your core values and strengths.  

In a work context if a disagreement takes place and you feel yourself getting angry, disappointed, frustrated, try to look back over patterns that may emerge and acknowledge these patterns within yourself. You can do this with the help of a Coach. The disagreement may just be a trigger to the behaviour that you are conflicted about. If you are more attuned to the conflicts that arise in you, and around you, you can be more emotionally agile in your response. You can make a conscious choice about how to express your feelings.  

We can build our Emotional Agility as follows: 

1. Foster the courage and compassion to face your difficult emotions 
2. Shift perspective – zoom out to take the broader view 
3. Let go of “being right”. Choose curiosity instead 
4. Identify your why – your values. 
5. Walk your why. Make daily choices that reflect what matters to you 
6. Grow. Take on challenges that push you to the edge of your ability, even when it’s uncomfortable 
7. Be open to change. Life changes. You change. Know when to grit and when to quit!

Source: Susan David (https://www.susandavid.com/) 

Susan David on Emotional Agility - YouTube

Emotional Agility by Susan David

Pressure is for Tyres

Balance: “to put opposing forces into a position in which neither controls the other” (Cambridge Dictionary)

For most people, achieving balance in life can be illusive.  There are many commitments on our time and energy, and life can feel like an exercise in spinning plates; balancing opposing commitments such as holding down and thriving in a job, caring for others, running a home smoothly and keeping our finances on the right side of the ledger. Not to mention our personal fitness goals, building up our stamp collection, volunteering in our communities or learning to cook the best curry this side of Asia! Currently, we have the added pressure of living in the context of a pandemic, which has brought much volatility and complexity into our lives.  A “balanced life” might ensure that our basic psychological needs are being met by our day-to-day occupations. However, is it possible to “have it all?”

In his recent book “Four Thousand Weeks”, Oliver Burkeman urges us to acknowledge the limitations of our time and the ensuing need to make choices around how we spend it.  Rather than trying to “get everything done”, embracing our limitations can help us to construct a more meaningful life, where what we do is aligned to what we value.

What balance looks like will be different for each individual, depending on your stage in life and what you prioritise.  Don’t rely on someone else to tell you what balance is or how best to achieve it.  A good starting point is to look at your life as a whole and figure out where you currently focus your attention. A tool often used in coaching is the “Wheel of Life”.  This simple tool can help you to reflect on where there may be an imbalance in your life and whether a change in focus or emphasis is what you want. Working with a coach can be a great support in doing this reflective work, helping you to decide your priorities and next steps.

See link below to Burkeman’s Tedx talk “How to stop fighting against time” where he explores some of the ideas also in his current book “Four Thousand Weeks”

Oliver Burkeman - How to stop fighting against time

What the heck am I doing here – My Inner Critic 

Think of a time in your life when you wanted to take a risk and do something but you were afraid it would not work out or you just didn’t have the self-confidence.  What stopped you? Is it possible that your perceived lack of self-confidence may be linked to your Inner Critic?  

You know the one – the voice in your head that says “stop” don’t even think about it.  It won’t be good enough, smart enough, creative enough, or relevant enough.    Well that Inner Critic  may actually be holding you back and preventing you from taking a risk with a new piece of research, applying for a new or expanding role, running with a creative idea or exploring a new topic. 

Tara Mohr in her book Playing Big (2015) describes the Inner Critic as “an expression of the safety instinct in us – the part of us that wants to stay safe from potential emotional risk – from hurt, failure, criticism, disappointment, or rejection…” (p. 8). 

She identifies that the voice in your head can be characterised by a number of different qualities, e.g. sounding harsh or rude, supposedly the voice of reason within you, the voice of “you are not ready yet” or the voice of “you're not good at writing/research/technical stuff/negotiating…”. 

Mohr (2015) describes the Inner Critic as being like a guard at the edge of your comfort zone and probably screams loudest when you are closely connected with what you want to do most.  You might interpret that as if it means you are not on the right path. But it probably means you are definitely on the right path! 

Mohr (2015) has many ideas for working with your Inner Critic some of which are listed below: 

Identifying as a voice 

• Label and notice.  (Catch yourself –  “aha… that is my Inner Critic talking”) 
• Separate the “I” from the Inner Critic. 

Taking a new perspective 

• Compassionately see your Inner Critic’s motives (what does my Inner Critic not like about this?). 
• Look for the humour in what it is saying. 

Somatic tools 

• Imagine walking your Inner Critic from the room. 
• Imagine you can just turn down the volume for a while. 

Your challenge should you choose to accept it! 

What is your next big move/event/task that scares you or excites you and that would let you play bigger in the world? 

• What does your Inner Critic have to say about this? 
• How could you think about this differently now? 

Useful resources: 

Mohr, T. (2015).  Playing Big:  Practical wisdom for women who want to speak up, create and lead.  Penguin (Random House), New York. 

www.taramohr.com 

Chamine, S. (2012). Positive Intelligence:  Why only 20% of teams and individuals achieve their true potential and how you can achieve yours.  Greenleaf Book Group Press, Texas. 

www.positiveintelligence.com  

Do you ever find yourself going through life on autopilot? Going “through the motions”? Do you perhaps feel somewhat detached from your experiences? Do you ever stop to really consider your experiences or the issues you face? While being consistently mindful is difficult, it can be helpful to look at our experiences in an actively reflective way. Of course, in life there are many things outside our control, and no amount of reflection will change that. However, taking some time to assess what happened in an experience, looking at our thoughts and feelings about it and evaluating what was good/bad about the situation and our reactions to it can be very helpful.  It is, to quote Victor Frankl, “the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way”. 

There are many benefits: Reflection helps to reveal the “bigger picture”, which can make us more creative in our problem-solving. It builds self-awareness as we get to know ourselves better. It helps us to understand an issue and scrutinise our values, assumptions and perspectives. Ideally, reflection is a cyclical process which ensures that we reflect on experiences and learn from them. This learning informs our future responses and experiences.   This is called having a “reflective practice” – very common in the caring professions and used a lot in teaching and as a learning methodology. It is also very useful in everyday life!   

To be reflective we need to be: 

• Open (to different ideas and seeing different angles) 
• Curious (asking questions, looking to dig a little deeper) 
• Patient (if the issue is not simple, sometimes the solution isn’t either)   

There are frameworks we can use to help us to analyse and synthesise our learning. A very simple one that is easy to use is the “What” model, which asks three questions: 

1. What? 
2. So What?
3. Now What? 

See also: 

The Reflective Toolkit from the University of Edinburgh.  This toolkit has lots of reflection resources and explains different frameworks and contexts for reflection.    

References:  

“What” model by Rolfe et. al (2001) based on the questions first asked by Terry Borton (1970) 

Borton, T. (1970) Reach, Touch and Teach. London: Hutchinson 

Rolfe, G., Freshwater, D., Jasper, M. (2001) Critical Reflection for Nursing and the Helping Professions: a User’s Guide.  Basingstoke: Palgrave 

Baking Back Control!

Coping with Life’s Transitions

In Spring 2020 the global community went through a major unanticipated transition in response to the Covid-19 pandemic.  In April 2020, 81% of the global workforce lived in countries with mandatory or recommended workplace closures with 90% of the world’s student population affected by education closures. Covid-19 turned the world upside down (UN, 2020).

The majority of us were required to transition from in-person teaching to remote, from face-to-face delivery of services to on-line, from social plans to social distancing.  How did we cope when our world changed utterly?  One coping mechanism, earning the title of the “most googled recipe of the pandemic”, and achieving 500 million hits of TikTok in April 2020 alone, was baking banana bread.  While this may seem a little simplistic, what if we consider that during a time when people’s self-efficacy was at its lowest, and sense of anxiety and overwhelm at its highest, baking banana bread could be viewed as taking back a little control? In a time of restrictions and uncertainty creating a simple self-care routine, utilising resources, developing skills, creating a sense of shared experience and community, and reframing what it meant to be stuck at home could be argued to have taken place by this simple act. Banana bread may have played a bigger role psychologically than we ever imagined!

Global pandemics aside, transitions are all around us, in fact it is estimated that the average person experiences a transition every 12-18 months during their lifetime (Feiler, 2020).  Defined as key turning points, personal transitions frequently involve loss and letting go, living with ambiguity and the possibilities of new beginnings as the individual moves through it (Palmer & Panchal, 2010).  In a work setting transitions can be anticipated and positive, such as a new job; unanticipated and stressful, such as restructuring or non-event and hidden, such as not securing a promotion. 

So how do we cope with these transitions when they arise?  Baking notwithstanding, a useful model, 4S, developed by Schlossberg (2012), identifies four areas to consider:

Missed Opportunities

It is important to note that sometimes we may not even aware that we are in the midst of a transition.  These ‘non-event’ or hidden transitions can be outside our awareness but still require attention. If you feel that you are dwelling on ‘what might have been’, ruminating or stuck in a loop around a missed opportunity; a plan/dream that did not come to pass, Schlossberg advocates for an extra layer of support here:

Transitions are key turning points that we are likely to experience regularly in life, with varying degrees of opportunity and challenge.  By bringing awareness to the transition and developing coping strategies we may be in a better position to positively navigate our way through.  And if baking is part of that strategy, so much the better!

Additional reading:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/16/well/mind/managing-life-transitions.html

https://www.verywellmind.com/transitions-in-life-can-be-mentally-stressful-5216254#citation-1%20Fleming%202022

https://www.kellerinstitute.com/content/5-tips-surviving-missed-opportunity

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/now-events-transitions-dr-constance-jenkins-pritchard/

References

Feiler, B. (2020). Life is in the transitions. New York USA: Penguin Press.

Levinson D. J. (1977). The mid-life transition: a period in adult psychosocial development. Psychiatry, 40(2), 99–112. https://doi.org/10.1080/00332747.1977.11023925

Palmer, S., & Panchal, S. (Eds.). (2010). Developmental Coaching: Life transitions and generational perspectives (1st ed.). London, UK: Routledge.

Schlossberg, N. (2012). In Anderson, M., Goodman, J. & Schlossberg, N. (Eds).  Counselling adults in transition (4th Ed.), New York, USA: Springer Publishing Company.