UCC MHC PLAYER PROFILES

Intervarsity Player Profiles

Cormac Molony

C-Mac travelled to last years varsities as the manager with horrendous consequences. UCC lost all but one of its matches and whilst it is unfair to blame the lack of success on one individual it seems perfectly rational in this instance. Contributed absolutely nothing to the trip with even his drinking ability found wanting. Hopefully this year will be different as Cormac is now the first choice goalkeeper. Hoping to one day out perform his coach and mentor Kieran Healey the Drogheda man has stuck to the 3 major goalkeeping food groups: Subway, Lennox’s and Chinese Takeaway. So far the results have been impressive with some media circles comparing him to goalkeeping greats such as David James, Paul Robinson and Paddy Kenny. Also fancies himself as quite the playwright with his evocative tails of second team glory…his hockey career to date however is more likely to illicit memories of Stephen King then Walt Disney.

Eddie Coogan

The ageing front man returns for his last shot at intervarsity glory. But more importantly the weekend should see Eddie take part in a titanic fashion battle with young pretender Dickie Barrett. With no banquet to establish his style superiority, Eddie will have to pull out all the stops to overcome Dickie’s tired but still effective Andre Agassi look. Always creative with the two drink rule during the varsities, Eddie has established himself as one of the best morning after players in tournament history. His misunderstand genius on the hockey pitch is matched only by his curious chat-up techniques, both of which always make the girls smile…although I am never sure if it is at him or with him…

Captain Ed Rhys-Thomas

Congratulations are in order for Master Edward, who this season was appointed 1st team captain (only after the offer was declined by every other member in the club).

Edward’s former confidante aging circus hairy man Conor Kelleher describes him as a quite respectable fellow, who is quite partial to such manly pursuits as drinking sensibly, stylish hair products and quiet nights in.

In his spare time Edward enjoys dispensing petroleum down at the oul gas n gulp, spending his time explaining to his younger clientele why he can’t fit a spoiler on his BMX. Seems to have a sweet spot for goal keepers these days excluding the obvious he recently named C-mac as man of the match in our game with Middleton, when honestly I don't remember him making a single save, watch out MC... ED fancies himself as a bit of a black man trapped in a white mans body sorry to inform you ED but more like one of those kids from the sound of music...

Graham Jeffery

This year it looks like Jeffers has dumped his Bulmers sponsorship in favour of a combination of Pizza Hut, Burger King and Wendy’s. As a result this varsities veteran has become a “commanding” presence at the heart of the UCC defence. Although this year Jeff will be without his usual partner Grant Sweetnam and instead will have to share his centre back role with a Dickie or a Willy…rather him then me! Sad as it is ladies, Jeff might just be the most eligible bachelor in the squad so to give you all a hand here is a list of what floats Jeffer’s boat as he revealed in a recent interview …

Late night heart to heart chats
Silk Sheets
Cuddling
Long walks in the summer rain
Poems
James Blunt
Horoscopes

Willy Bartely

Both from Bandon, both are either called or like willys, both like blowing things (Willy is an umpire)…I’m just saying Graham Norton and Willy are most probably the same person, I mean when was the last time you saw that Norton fella on the Television…and then all of a sudden Willy appears on the UCC hockey scene…coincidence I think not!

Shane Cronin

Yes! before you all ask the my little pony reference is of course because of Shane’s ridiculous hair. Never before has the excuse of “I’m washing my hair” had more credibility for a man. At night Shane can be seen from space cycling to and from college thanks to his bike lights that closely resemble a fully lit landing strip, at night, in heavy fog. Shane takes his road safety so seriously that as a child he collected all 10 of the teenage mutant hero turtle reflectors that came free with a 24 pack of weetabix. All that fibre must have played havoc in the Cronin household. Shane returns to the club after a prolonged absence, he is in his final year of computer science and knowing the club’s luck with that course this is sure to be the first varsities of many for the pony tailed assassin.

Jay Muller AKA – Jay/The Wall

Jay was created in a Dutch lab as part of the Ministry of Defences efforts to produce human Robocop’s. This is Jay’s second varsities having travelled to Limerick last year in his rookie season; the basis for his selection was he spoke with a Dutch accent.

Penalty points – collects them like G does gay porno mags.
Chewing creatine

Speed limits
People with more then 8% body fat, (he does not even consider Jeffers human)

"Today is a good day to die"

Richard Barrett

Oh Dickie you used to be such a nice young man… a little obsessed with male fashion I’ll admit but still an all round nice guy. But then much like that fateful day in a Munich Beer Hall you manage to trick the poor uneducated populous of the men’s hockey club that you were the best candidate for the job of club captain. Little did they know the final solution included even more extravagant outfits, badly shaved hair (how hard can it be to shave behind the ears) and worst and even more shocking those gigantic thumbs...I mean seriously do you need a special phone to send text messages or what?! Battling a quad strain all season, (well that’s been his excuse so far) Dickie is hoping to recapture the hearts of the Irish University Scouts he so famously fooled last year. How can anyone with no slap, push, dribble or reverse stick represent our country…your guess is as good as mine.

Gerard Barrett AKA – Ger/Gerry

Ger is making his Varsity debut having finally broken into the 1st team at the end of last season after years of trying.

Ger’s claim to fame is that he can grow a beard before breakfast.

He was involved in the coaching of the youths hockey last year…….there is now no more youths hockey.

Chuck Norris
World Peace

Feminism
Ethnic minorities, ie non bearded folk

Jason Frankham

Following the departure of Junior Friday, Jason has once again assumed his position as the blackest member of UCC MHC. Having fled the motherland of Zimbabwe (coincidently just after the success of the movement for democratic change), he arrived in Cork to acquire the challenging job of minding the desk in the student centre.

Let us not forget Jason’s substantial achievements since joining the club 4 seasons ago. These include leading the 2nds to relegation in his first and only season as captain, a season that included a record 15-0 loss to Banbridge in the IJC (it’s only a point in tennis), having his car stolen during a match and let us not forget…(twice).

Patrick ‘Paa’ Moore

For those who said that a Ginger, Kerry, Itinerant would never represent UCC in the Inter-varsities; I present to you Mr. Patrick Moore.

Having been awarded a spot on the squad by his benevolent Captain, Cormac O’Maoldomhnaigh, it seemed Paa’s dreams had all come true a year ahead of his 4 year plan (a feat Khrushchev himself would have been proud of).

Yet things could have been so different for young Moore, who took to the sport after chancing upon a hockey stick while searching for a cheap Gola tracksuit in his local TK Maxx in Tralee. So taken was he by the odd shaped hurley that he vowed to master it and perhaps one day go on to represent the best hockey club on the Western Rd.

Sam Coogan

"Aww man. My profile was too long man!"

:'(

Nick Murphy

Poor Nick has a hard act to follow as the baby of the squad, as three of the last four have made the Irish Varsities team and the other is a plus size model. Hailing from Midleton he also has the unfortunate title of “the next Conor O’Reagan”, a reputation no one should aspire to unless they have a penchant for riding hairy beasts, STD’s and a complete lack of hockey skill…oh and horse riding of course. Come to think of it Nick might just tick two of those boxes…and since no one has ever seen him on a horse you are free to make your own conclusions. But seriously Nick is bound to enjoy the short stop in Dundalk where he will be initiated into the club through the medium of a baby’s bottle. If Phil’s experience from last year is anything to go by expect more nude scandal…

Greg "Judas" O’Driscoll

Greg is sure to be in for a bit of stick this weekend (is this a gay reference pete?) not only because he is a traitor playing for CIT, but he also bears an uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favourite green ogre…John Hobbs. Here’s hoping CIT don’t get too far this year, we really don’t want Greg’s head getting any bigger.

John Catchpole

Last years baby of the team, this Catchpole (the better one, apart from the hair) has a lot to live up to, but its mostly his own fault. Last year he was in the Irish Universities team (how any UCC had anyone on that team was a shock to everyone) and the Munster U-21’s. Sure to excel under the leadership of John Dennis, the ginger one has almost earned himself the name “fox in the box” after his wonder goal against Bandon. Will want to give Catch senior a good send off by doing well in the competition so G will finally be happy to leave his little bro as the man of the house…probably have to grow balls for that John.

Graham Catchpole

This is actually going to be more like writing an epitaph then a profile such has Graham’s legacy been. Five long years of service and only 1 medal…could the current slump UCC find themselves in have anything to do with Graham’s 3 disastrous years of captaincy…we will never know. Looking to start a fresh career in Dublin Catch is sure to attract many new admirers with a hair cut you could set your watch to and training gear that always matches whatever the occasion. Expect Graham to go out on a high at this tournament and reduce Ed RT to tears once again.

Peter Nagle

Pete's back after a tough season last year he was hit hard with the loss of his best friend and mentor, Terry, half way through the season. However Pete's adopted a new friend and mentor in ED RT and suspiciously has been named as ED RT's vice Captain. The 2 are often found sneaking off together whispering and giggling at Training. Don't be surprised if these 2 are sharing a room at the varsities... Pete has been in inspirational form this season in his new role as center forward and many have put this down to his sheer pace and quick turning abilities. I myself put this down to Pete's overwhelming commitment in training and his desire to remain in a peak physical condition. Expect to find Pete "playing" with ED RT more often than he'll be on the score sheet.

The Gaffer

Coach Dennis bears a striking resemblance to the pragmatic leader of the country during the dark days when a man with hair like Shane’s would have been shot on sight…ah those were the days. This vastly experienced coach will truly know what he let himself in for by the end of the weekend, well John it was your idea not to take it too seriously this year.

The Manager

This hell raiser was a pleasant addition to the squad this summer until everyone remembered his joy of pain and suffering. He is the single biggest reason why the squad can’t wait to get John as the full time coach because god knows some players in particular are about as fit as they are ever going to get.. Kieran is developing a nice relationship with C-Mac, some would say a little too nice with C-Mac even beginning to smell like his mentor…the smelly keeper gear excuse is getting a bit old lads. We are lucky to have such an excellent man manager to aid the cause but so help me god if you make me drink another rubex at 6 in the morning…at this point I realise it really isn’t that smart threatening the big guy.




Intervarsity Player Profiles Cormac Molony C-Mac travelled to last years varsities as the manager with horrendous consequences. UCC lost all but one of its matches and whilst it is unfair to blame the lack of success on one individual it seems perfectly rational in this instance. Contributed absolutely nothing to the trip with even his drinking ability found wanting. Hopefully this year will be different as Cormac is now the first choice goalkeeper. Hoping to one day out perform his coach and mentor Kieran Healey the Drogheda man has stuck to the 3 major goalkeeping food groups: Subway, Lennox’s and Chinese Takeaway. So far the results have been impressive with some media circles comparing him to goalkeeping greats such as David James, Paul Robinson and Paddy Kenny. Also fancies himself as quite the playwright with his evocative tails of second team glory…his hockey career to date however is more likely to illicit memories of Stephen King then Walt Disney. Eddie Coogan The ageing front man returns for his last shot at intervarsity glory. But more importantly the weekend should see Eddie take part in a titanic fashion battle with young pretender Dickie Barrett. With no banquet to establish his style superiority, Eddie will have to pull out all the stops to overcome Dickie’s tired but still effective Andre Agassi look. Always creative with the two drink rule during the varsities, Eddie has established himself as one of the best morning after players in tournament history. His misunderstand genius on the hockey pitch is matched only by his curious chat-up techniques, both of which always make the girls smile…although I am never sure if it is at him or with him… Captain Ed Rhys-Thomas Congratulations are in order for Master Edward, who this season was appointed 1st team captain (only after the offer was declined by every other member in the club). Edward’s former confidante aging circus hairy man Conor Kelleher describes him as a quite respectable fellow, who is quite partial to such manly pursuits as drinking sensibly, stylish hair products and quiet nights in. In his spare time Edward enjoys dispensing petroleum down at the oul gas n gulp, spending his time explaining to his younger clientele why he can’t fit a spoiler on his BMX. Seems to have a sweet spot for goal keepers these days excluding the obvious he recently named C-mac as man of the match in our game with Middleton, when honestly I don't remember him making a single save, watch out MC... ED fancies himself as a bit of a black man trapped in a white mans body sorry to inform you ED but more like one of those kids from the sound of music... Graham Jeffery This year it looks like Jeffers has dumped his Bulmers sponsorship in favour of a combination of Pizza Hut, Burger King and Wendy’s. As a result this varsities veteran has become a “commanding” presence at the heart of the UCC defence. Although this year Jeff will be without his usual partner Grant Sweetnam and instead will have to share his centre back role with a Dickie or a Willy…rather him then me! Sad as it is ladies, Jeff might just be the most eligible bachelor in the squad so to give you all a hand here is a list of what floats Jeffer’s boat as he revealed in a recent interview … Turn-ons: Late night heart to heart chats Silk Sheets Cuddling Long walks in the summer rain Poems James Blunt Horoscopes Willy Bartely Both from Bandon, both are either called or like willys, both like blowing things (Willy is an umpire)…I’m just saying Graham Norton and Willy are most probably the same person, I mean when was the last time you saw that Norton fella on the Television…and then all of a sudden Willy appears on the UCC hockey scene…coincidence I think not! Shane Cronin Yes! before you all ask the my little pony reference is of course because of Shane’s ridiculous hair. Never before has the excuse of “I’m washing my hair” had more credibility for a man. At night Shane can be seen from space cycling to and from college thanks to his bike lights that closely resemble a fully lit landing strip, at night, in heavy fog. Shane takes his road safety so seriously that as a child he collected all 10 of the teenage mutant hero turtle reflectors that came free with a 24 pack of weetabix. All that fibre must have played havoc in the Cronin household. Shane returns to the club after a prolonged absence, he is in his final year of computer science and knowing the club’s luck with that course this is sure to be the first varsities of many for the pony tailed assassin. Jay Muller AKA – Jay/The Wall Jay was created in a Dutch lab as part of the Ministry of Defences efforts to produce human Robocop’s. This is Jay’s second varsities having travelled to Limerick last year in his rookie season; the basis for his selection was he spoke with a Dutch accent. Likes: Penalty points – collects them like G does gay porno mags. Chewing creatine Dislikes: Speed limits People with more then 8% body fat, (he does not even consider Jeffers human) Most Likely to Say to an Opponent: "Today is a good day to die" Richard Barrett Oh Dickie you used to be such a nice young man… a little obsessed with male fashion I’ll admit but still an all round nice guy. But then much like that fateful day in a Munich Beer Hall you manage to trick the poor uneducated populous of the men’s hockey club that you were the best candidate for the job of club captain. Little did they know the final solution included even more extravagant outfits, badly shaved hair (how hard can it be to shave behind the ears) and worst and even more shocking those gigantic thumbs...I mean seriously do you need a special phone to send text messages or what?! Battling a quad strain all season, (well that’s been his excuse so far) Dickie is hoping to recapture the hearts of the Irish University Scouts he so famously fooled last year. How can anyone with no slap, push, dribble or reverse stick represent our country…your guess is as good as mine. Gerard Barrett AKA – Ger/Gerry Ger is making his Varsity debut having finally broken into the 1st team at the end of last season after years of trying. Ger’s claim to fame is that he can grow a beard before breakfast. He was involved in the coaching of the youths hockey last year…….there is now no more youths hockey. Likes: Chuck Norris World Peace Dislikes: Feminism Ethnic minorities, ie non bearded folk Jason Frankham Following the departure of Junior Friday, Jason has once again assumed his position as the blackest member of UCC MHC. Having fled the motherland of Zimbabwe (coincidently just after the success of the movement for democratic change), he arrived in Cork to acquire the challenging job of minding the desk in the student centre. Let us not forget Jason’s substantial achievements since joining the club 4 seasons ago. These include leading the 2nds to relegation in his first and only season as captain, a season that included a record 15-0 loss to Banbridge in the IJC (it’s only a point in tennis), having his car stolen during a match and let us not forget…(twice). Patrick ‘Paa’ Moore For those who said that a Ginger, Kerry, Itinerant would never represent UCC in the Inter-varsities; I present to you Mr. Patrick Moore. Having been awarded a spot on the squad by his benevolent Captain, Cormac O’Maoldomhnaigh, it seemed Paa’s dreams had all come true a year ahead of his 4 year plan (a feat Khrushchev himself would have been proud of). Yet things could have been so different for young Moore, who took to the sport after chancing upon a hockey stick while searching for a cheap Gola tracksuit in his local TK Maxx in Tralee. So taken was he by the odd shaped hurley that he vowed to master it and perhaps one day go on to represent the best hockey club on the Western Rd. Sam Coogan "Aww man. My profile was too long man!" :'( Nick Murphy Poor Nick has a hard act to follow as the baby of the squad, as three of the last four have made the Irish Varsities team and the other is a plus size model. Hailing from Midleton he also has the unfortunate title of “the next Conor O’Reagan”, a reputation no one should aspire to unless they have a penchant for riding hairy beasts, STD’s and a complete lack of hockey skill…oh and horse riding of course. Come to think of it Nick might just tick two of those boxes…and since no one has ever seen him on a horse you are free to make your own conclusions. But seriously Nick is bound to enjoy the short stop in Dundalk where he will be initiated into the club through the medium of a baby’s bottle. If Phil’s experience from last year is anything to go by expect more nude scandal… Greg "Judas" O’Driscoll Greg is sure to be in for a bit of stick this weekend (is this a gay reference pete?) not only because he is a traitor playing for CIT, but he also bears an uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favourite green ogre…John Hobbs. Here’s hoping CIT don’t get too far this year, we really don’t want Greg’s head getting any bigger. John Catchpole Last years baby of the team, this Catchpole (the better one, apart from the hair) has a lot to live up to, but its mostly his own fault. Last year he was in the Irish Universities team (how any UCC had anyone on that team was a shock to everyone) and the Munster U-21’s. Sure to excel under the leadership of John Dennis, the ginger one has almost earned himself the name “fox in the box” after his wonder goal against Bandon. Will want to give Catch senior a good send off by doing well in the competition so G will finally be happy to leave his little bro as the man of the house…probably have to grow balls for that John. Graham Catchpole This is actually going to be more like writing an epitaph then a profile such has Graham’s legacy been. Five long years of service and only 1 medal…could the current slump UCC find themselves in have anything to do with Graham’s 3 disastrous years of captaincy…we will never know. Looking to start a fresh career in Dublin Catch is sure to attract many new admirers with a hair cut you could set your watch to and training gear that always matches whatever the occasion. Expect Graham to go out on a high at this tournament and reduce Ed RT to tears once again. Peter Nagle Pete's back after a tough season last year he was hit hard with the loss of his best friend and mentor, Terry, half way through the season. However Pete's adopted a new friend and mentor in ED RT and suspiciously has been named as ED RT's vice Captain. The 2 are often found sneaking off together whispering and giggling at Training. Don't be surprised if these 2 are sharing a room at the varsities... Pete has been in inspirational form this season in his new role as center forward and many have put this down to his sheer pace and quick turning abilities. I myself put this down to Pete's overwhelming commitment in training and his desire to remain in a peak physical condition. Expect to find Pete "playing" with ED RT more often than he'll be on the score sheet. The Gaffer Coach Dennis bears a striking resemblance to the pragmatic leader of the country during the dark days when a man with hair like Shane’s would have been shot on sight…ah those were the days. This vastly experienced coach will truly know what he let himself in for by the end of the weekend, well John it was your idea not to take it too seriously this year. The Manager This hell raiser was a pleasant addition to the squad this summer until everyone remembered his joy of pain and suffering. He is the single biggest reason why the squad can’t wait to get John as the full time coach because god knows some players in particular are about as fit as they are ever going to get.. Kieran is developing a nice relationship with C-Mac, some would say a little too nice with C-Mac even beginning to smell like his mentor…the smelly keeper gear excuse is getting a bit old lads. We are lucky to have such an excellent man manager to aid the cause but so help me god if you make me drink another rubex at 6 in the morning…at this point I realise it really isn’t that smart threatening the big guy.