Kieran Healy - Appears to have regained the spectacular goalkeeping form of old but tread carefully, God only knows what could trigger a lapse. Enjoys nothing better than taking the legs off someone, even someone on his team. Dangerous bloke. They all are those goalies…fundamentally unbalanced some say…

Mark O'Leary - With his late call-up to the squad Mark celebrated by shaving his neck…I hope. If he didn't, it might be done for him on Thursday.

Bastian Bockhoff - Only in Ireland a week he was showing his philanthropic nature by shamelessly donating his bike to a two-bit knacker outside McDonalds. A tremendous asset this year if only for his ability to listen to Eddie Coogan's constant ramblings with the same look of bemused wonder for hours on end.

Peter Fleming - Having successfully completed a Spinners Anonymous therapy course, Pete is on a special weeklong day release to help him rejoin the world without the emotional crutch of chair spinning.

Graham Catchpole - This solid performer hasn't shut up since joining us. On a par with ******* for his incessant chatter. A candidate for the "strong silent type"…ladies beware.

Simon MacAllister - On his 6th Varsities Simon clearly still hasn't got the message to bugger off and leave the club alone. Not only that, he is now club captain for a 2^nd time, honestly man, let it go, please, just let it go!!!!

Richard Leonard - Our baby faced Captain somehow manages to command respect despite breaking his arm without Ken's help, and used it to good effect in Dingle, and takes this opportunity to thank Bríd for the sympathy score. Amazingly has scored with everyone in one of the girls triple rooms…guess which one?

Ken Twomey - This fella cannot stand still at training without tap-tap-tapping a ball all the time. Has taken centre-mid off the Captain and broken Brian's arm so that he can stay there. Nice guy…but a bit of an asshole!

Dave Barrett - Got so sick of having to kiss girls in the club someone else had soiled first that he got the brainwave of grabbing a nice little schoolgirl. Enter Ken, stage-left, innocent fresher, with the news that he had already got their first. Doh!!!

Ciarán Nicholson - Like all good players he joined the club injured. Went for the more exotic hamstring injury but only time will tell if it's a physio or a psychiatrist that he needs. A hit with the ladies already with zwei fine fraülein risking a journey to Mahon to see him in action on Saturday.

Andrew Barber - seems to be whinging less this year for some reason, possibly mellowing as he matures…maybe even he is sick of the sound of his own voice. As an IT student he'll probably be with us for a number of years to come…

John Nagle - Á la Stevie Deane, John likes to hang around looking cool and dangerous until he pounces to devastating effect. Does well on the hockey pitch too!

Vinnie Fennell - When not surfing or scoring all over campus Vinnie has worked hard this season to decrease (despite Mt Mercys pitch) his "time-not-on-his-ass" ratio to a respectable 43%. A score Elmer can only ever aspire to.

Eddie Coogan - The big QUESTION is, will there be enough QUESTIONS asked this week to find some of the answers to the QUESTIONS raised during the QUESTIONS & Answers squad session last Wednesday. Who? Me? What? Are they my feet? Had gear provided for on and off pitch excursions, kitbags will be searched on the bus for "inappropriate" apparel.

Mark Dawson - Another black-and-white on a two-year loan but settled so quickly may never leave. When you see someone try to light an Aftershock thinking it's a Sambuca, you know you're dealing with a troubled mind. Norman Deane was quoted as saying that it was "galling" that he scored against Quins on Saturday.

Jeremy Sweetnam - Never the brightest penny in the bunch, he managed to get into a relationship just in time for the Varsities. Only trouble is the 02 model is sharing a room with the 01 model, so expect confusion when the time for the goodnight kiss comes along.

Coach

Manager