(see Archives for past Player Profiles)

2001-2002 Varsity Player Profiles (including the ladies!)
November 2001, by Kieran

THE PIMPS

Kieran “Love God” Healy

Scored BIG time in Galway and really BROADened his horizons. Took over the club from Phil but can’t get the dictator out of his hair. Has an ambition to spend the entire club budget on clothes as he refuses to spend any of his own money on anything except alcohol and women. Was recently rumoured to have a girlfriend but no one told the lady in question. Due to past indiscretions the club have taken it on board to find him someone acceptable…..

Jer “Poker Face” Sweetnam

Jer filled his hockey hand recently with the addition of the men’s thirds coach to his three of a kind from last years varsities. His joker smile has never been wider. Thankfully Cathal isn’t here this year to partake in wife swapping.

Gavin “Who’d have thought it?” Jeffery

Gav has developed a Jer-like smile since his case of Simonitis and settling down with his perfect woman. Although thus far he has avoided the Alice trap by bringing Mrs Jeffery to every hockey gathering or maybe he just wants her there for the lift home. Unfortunately he is never around when Jim starts his fights.

Elmer “Unbreakable” Morrissey

Almost suffered a dose of Simonitis but was saved by the lure of Scandavian women. Elmo didn’t want to break the heart of a Danish girl on his departure so he dumped her early enough to score with the German girl across the room, such a sensitive soul. Elmer continued his ‘friends’ trend in Copenhagen, so if you get to kiss him then its best to warn all your mates!

Simon “Hen Pecked” MacAllister

Simon traded off a dirty wekend in Edinburgh (en suite Jacuzzi) for the right to go out with the lads occasionally but only on the condition that his fiancée could come too. Simon has taken to wearing Jim’s dad’s clothes which does NOT upset Jim at all. Since Alice it is safe for every other guy in the club to kiss girls as the fear of Judas has been removed.

Eoin “Quiet Boy” Bryan

Eoinzy has found inner peace and extends this tranquillity to the whole world. He would now happily go to the Golden Arches with his D4 buddies. Eoin has settled down and models himself on the calmness personified in Roy Keane, Vinnie Jones and Robbie Savage. We hope that he can maintain his Karma for the duration of the varsities and his on field Tai Chi sessions should help.

Andrew “Virgin” Barber

Barbs’ search for the perfect hockey woman continues but is negated by his lack of respect for the fair sex. In his humble opinion he is the greatest undiscovered hockey talent in the world and just needs the correct planetary alignment to fulfil his destiny.

Stephen “Drinking Machine” Barry

Robin makes a return this year. After two years of begging, Evelyn finally agreed to loosen the apron strings and the boy wonder can fly again. BAZ suffers from Cinderella syndrome and some evening will last longer than midnight in the pub, but what item of clothes will he leave behind?

THE VIRGINS

Dave “Sick Note” Barrett

Dave finally makes his varsity debut after a year battling with a mild headcold. Probably the unfittest player in the squad after Lenny. Dave was so desperate to lose his hockey virgin tag that he completed Syb’s team, much to Barbs’ dismay. Is sacrificing his chance to win a junior medal in stick fighting to play at the varsities.

Richard “Bird Watcher” Leonard

Lenny arrived from Bandon with standard groin strain in situ and is the perfect replacement for Kinky on the physio couch. Cast aside his virgin tag without the help of Syb. Hopefully he won’t get the new twins confused on Thursday night. Has lost his Bambi eyes and is swiftly becoming a hardened drinker and cynic like the rest of us.

Peter “Bambi” Fleming

No one can stop Peter from talking the only problem is no one can actually hear him. Will have a hard task to follow the crooked path set by previous Middleton College players in the club. However he doesn’t have Elmo’s tendency to fall over, is as talkative as Tayto, couldn’t possibly be as cranky as Ronan, or as irrating as …….

Phil “Hockey Guru” Oakley

This year Phil agreed to grace us with his presence on the pitch as his Level 73 coaching clinic in Pakistan was cancelled. Phil’s ongoing quest for power culminated in an embarrasing climbdown from club captain to treasurer. Has strategically placed a spy on the ladies committee in his desire to rule the hockey world. Was crushed when he didn’t make the official umpires list this season.

Eamon “I Love Youuuuuuu!” Dwyer

It eventually had to happen, someone would come along and settle Fitz down and much to Jim’s dismay Eamon was that someone. However Eamon you know when you’ve been Tangoed!

Greg “Scumbag” Chlodnicki

Tinker tash, Celtic top, Red Honda Civic, Gold Medallion, need we say more?

Vincent “Forrest Gump” Fennell

Vinni is the firsts’ joint top scorer this season with one goal. Vinney overcame his virgin problem by making his girlfriend play hockey. Vinnie has his own unique hockey style, instead of stopping the ball he chases it till it slows down. Vince likes to rock the boat occasionally!

Ronan “What’s he doing here?” Enright

Somehow managed to get a second varsity trip without ever picking up a stick. Once a certain Nurse graduated he lost interest. Can smell a freebie from 10 miles – maybe that’s why he’s here! Very easy to identify as he is the one without any new college gear and this year it’s a bit better than a hat!

Eddie “Sir” Kirwan

Is afraid to go out with lads. Promised to turn up once but failed to show. Do we scare you? Abuses little boys and girls for a living.

Jim “Love Starved” Butler

For the reason behind Jim’s current frustration see Eamon Dwyer. Jim apparently left college recently but as Belvedere won’t take him we are stuck with him again this year. Just like his love life Jim likes to start fights but on commencement is unsure how to proceed and usually ends up with a bloody nose. James tends to ramble incoherently and this gets worse after a couple of drinks, would probably get kissed more often if he had a translator or a little tact. After all your housemate has no choice but to go home with you!

THE BIRDS

Alma “Jail Bird” Carey

Went from frolicking in puddles outside Jury’s to frolicking behind bars in the States. Celebrated her 100^th day of probabtion recently so only 265 more to go. Former Men’s second team coach.

Eimear “Jaws” Curtin

Has a tendency to bite. Will definitely lose her stick, hair tie, bandana, shoes, wallet, phone, belt, hotel key, and anything else she may bring with her. Almost went to Trinity after the Banquet in Limerick.

Orlaith “Scatty” Curtin

Wants to fill a poker in order to see Jer’s hand, the only question is who will her fourth ace be. Whatever Eimear doesn’t lose you can be certain Orlaith will.

Alison “Doc” English.

Ali is just the perfect person, no scandal as yet and no skeletons in the cupboard. But then they say you should watch the quiet ones!

Val “Minx” Fenton

Another quiet girl. Was contemplating becoming a nun but decided to give life one more try. May have some Romany blood which is displayed in her choice of ear rings.

Jen “Cowgirl” Lawson

Displayed a new side in Holland where she communicated with dolphins and pondered the existence of an Adams apple. Hoping there will be an ice machine on the third floor again this year.

Orla “Klepto” MacCarthy

What a difference a year makes. Last year she was the quietest girl ever and this year she refuses to go down even when the Irish U 21 Goalkeeper begs her! Was lucky to escape Alma’s fate in Florence.

Louise “Wheelchair” O’Sullivan

Should probably drink more water than vodka at this years varsities, and the baby bottle of Sambuca is a definite no no. Made a name for her self in epic style last year.

Lisa “Left eye” Ryan

Will definitely clear the dance floor when the R’n’B starts and if Elmo’s nearby watch out! Was promoted to Men’s seconds team coach and promptly followed Alma in resigning. Is it just a coincidence that this is the team that Ronan and Phil play for?

Julie “Drinking Machine” O’Sullivan

One bus journey from Belfast made this girl a legend and if she never does anything ever again her place in the Men’s folklore is guaranteed! However a rematch may be called for on the way home.

THE CHICKS

Deidre “Didge” Casey

As we discovered last Friday Didge loves to handle balls in shorts! Well mannered young lady otherwise and will always say please and pardon.

Sinead “Alco” Connery

This young kitten comes with an elevated reputation and may possibly challenge Julie for the drinking title, the only problem is has anyone seen her birth cert?

Cathy “New Twin” Kenefick

Hasn’t met any of the men’s club yet not even in the Bakery. Planted her twin in UCD as a spy, and the reunion on Thursday night may cause confusion for a certain fresher lad!

Amy “Hitch Hiker” Roycroft

Amy is the first player to come from Bandon without a groin strain. If she misses the bus chances are she will be in Dublin before us having got a lift of some random stranger.

Sinead “Bleeder” O’Leary

Sinead is keen to get to know the hockey lads during the week as she met some of the rugby boys at the jazz and thought they were very nice. Has an incredible fear of hospitals and will run away as soon as a nurse asks her any questions.

Sandra “Insane” Hackett

This girl will be a legend. She is the only person to ever snort After Shock. Got to know one of the lads very quickly and has already taken over the Men’s thirds. However she is a strong candidate for the “pillow award”.

Laura “I’m the captain so I’m going too!” Houlihan

Laura has complete control over the planning of this year’s varsity trip and no doubt will be a rock of sense for the whole week!

Yvonne “Someone must keep Laura company!” Mangan

Yvonne’s task is to keep Laura company for the entire week as they represent UCC at all the varsities functions. They will also have to talk to Ronan, who has no function at the varsities what so ever!

Michelle “Mother Hubbard” O’Brien

Michelle controls the destiny of the ladies club and is currently devising a plan to prevent Phil from taking over. She has a children’s allowance scam running and appears at times to have a million children. Was nearly rumbled last year in Limerick when she couldn’t remember their names. This year she plans to give each of them name tags.

John “Mr Happy” McGrath. Since an injury picked up training with Belvedere John has dedicated his life to training young ladies in the art of playing hockey. John has a great sense of fashion and follows the old adage “Once you wear black you never go back!” He also specialises in wearing runners with suits. An accoutant by trade he brings his joi de vie from the office to the training pitch.