The Intervarsities 2000 Link

By Jim,

with contributions from Ciarán, some anecdotes from Elmer, Jer and Ronan, and a stream of loosely connected thoughts from Gally

Monday 13^th November

The Star was as always the meeting link, but only after the training session link proved to be the weakest link (statistically). The goalkeeping links were abandoned at the Mardyke, but at least they were able to watch the ladies links train.

In the Star, the girls appeared to be the weakest link statistically, with no coach, no goalkeeper, and no means of transport. (But will the tournament follow the statistics?)

OK OK, enough of "The Weakest Link" (for a while anyway).

Phil generously organised 1,000,000 sandwiches and some Cups O’ Soup, many and varied flavours on offer, with as usual a desperate struggle for the mushroom variety. Despite Phil’s exhaustive checklist Gav still forgot his gumshield and had to return home for it, the big gay failure. Marcus got up from his death-bed (he had pulled out that morning ‘feeling weak’, well in fairness he had lost half a stone with food poisoning) to wish us farewell, which was nice of him. Simon’s van was loaded to the brim with all the gear, Gav’s Big Blue Fun Bus and the other cars were loaded with UCC M&L HC and off we went.

The highlight of the trip was the fairly deep flood outside Charleville, drama indeed! Apparently Kieran had relatively serious problems and his clutch is now totally fucked. I’m sure the club will pay for it to be repaired, eh Phil? In our car, we amused ourselves by critically analysing our prospects for the week, as it were - Jer I hope you have that piece of paper safe?

Ciarán is my man in Gav’s bus, here’s their tale:

"Detour to Brookfield for Andy Kingston to get his radio. At this time we also found out that Elmer had not brought his electric head shaving machine. Gav also forgot a tape for the car - Silly boy. Moya to the rescue with tape of POP Hits from the radio. Songs interrupted randomly by Neil Prendeville. Apparently she has a mysterious hi-fi that from time to time simply records pieces from the radio at its own choosing.

Having passed through the ‘Pool we had to stop for McDonald’s (Squire didn’t like any of the 1,000,000 sandwiches which had been on offer in the Star). Trip to Limerick otherwise uneventful apart from the floods which left Mallow under 20 feet of water. We also were in "Total Gridlock" in Croom and Phil kindly took the opportunity to model the new jackets that he and Simon had picked up en-route. Also Gav pulled a sneaky overtaking manoeuvre while in slow moving traffic - Simon had slowed down to allow Phil to offer us sweeties, but Gav took the opportunity to capitalise on a rare slip by Road Boy and he passed him down the inside."

On our arrival in Limerick, we drove around Jury’s Inn 47 times before noticing the car park. We checked in, rooms were sorted etc, and the first (of many) team meetings were convened. The plan for the evening was a to have a bite to eat, then a trip bowling with the girls (as opposed to the more traditional going out and having 3-5 pints). Squire suggested we also take in the 6.30 course "Basic knifemanship: an introduction" to prepare ourselves for a week in Limerick.

About half the squad decided for a pizza from the conveniently located Domino’s around the corner from the hotel, the others went on an epic quest for ‘spuds’ for some reason. In Domino’s there came the first ‘incident’ of the week.

Random Limerick Punter: "I’ll have two <random pizza names"

Surly impatient bitch behind the counter: "Sorry, we’re out of <vital ingredients of random pizza"

<RLP ponders his next move, Jim grows impatient

Jim (to RLP): "Do you mind if I go ahead of you since I’m ready to order and you did skip the queue?"

<RLP stares at Jim for a few seconds, before standing aside

<Jim attempts to order but is also thwarted by a lack of vital ingredients

RLP (in threatening tone) (to Jim): "You haven’t been in Limerick long, have you?"

Jim (in conciliatory tone): "No, just a couple of hours."

<Enter Giggly Jer

<Jer proceeds to attempt to invoke light hearted banter with RLP not realising the situation

<RLP ignores Jer, then goes outside to make mobile phone call, where he is heard to instruct mates to be in Domino’s in five minutes (presumably to kick the shit out of us)

<We all get out pizzas eventually, and we don’t get a kicking, which was nice

With our pizzas and bodies in one piece, we returned to Jury’s, specifically the room of Elmer/Eoinzy/Kingston (for some reason I can’t call him Kinky - nothing personal Andy!). The pizzas were delicious (we were starving), but banter was limited as our mouths were permanently stuffed with pepperoni etc. Since Elmer was part of the ‘spuds’ gang and as such not present, it seemed like a stroke of genius to store the empty pizza boxes in his bed, but alas he returned before we could implement this concept.

The other lads had gone to "The Brazen Head", Ciarán encountered some UL lads who apparently were taking it very seriously (and as such had a flipchart??). The return to the hotel was marred by Ciarán beating up Squire.

We met up to go bowling (minus the Leaders who had to go to the meeting). The girls somehow managed to squeeze into our cars (though now that I think of it Val also had a car). Ciarán kindly drove my car from the second floor of the car park to the first - not the last random punter to commandeer my vehicle either! It took ages to escape from the pesky car park, major issues with the passes Jury’s had given us, and also not helped when somebody started beeping randomly pissing off the attendant bloke.

In the bowling supermegahyperleisureplex type place, bowling was initially ignored, as we played what was still the official game of the Intervarsities (ever since that fateful Monday night last year with the whole bichon frisé thing) namely "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" After losing &pound;n we gave it up and played pool and indeed most people bowled. The Leaders returned from the meeting, where surprisingly the normally sound Andy Barbour (the other one) was giving out about alleged ‘irregularities’ in the draw. Nothing came of it though. Amazingly, there was actually a Supermacs in the same building as the bowling et al - I suggest this place an ideal post-Ball pre-karaoke venue.

We had to be back for 10.30, but this was jeopardised (for me anyway) when Orlaith emulated Ciarán in hijacking my car! Jer proceeded to give a brief driving lesson (after Orlaith had informed us that she had crashed the last time behind the wheel) which ended prematurely when she almost destroyed the engine by attempting to reach 10,000 rpm. Luckily the Punto took the abuse, and safely brought us home - in time for the meeting.

En route to the meeting we noted wistfully the Trin lads on the piss in the bar, they only had to play Surgeons the next morning, albeit at 9am. Presumably the upshot of the meeting was a time to meet for brekkie in the morning, and with that it was back to the rooms to giggle at the bizarre names in the official program, such as ‘Colin’ who played for Queens. Alas, Soupie and Eastie had moved on, but we speculated that Ivan Campbell may be the brother of the legendary Alistair. Before bed, some friends from UCG visited us bringing traditional Galway produce as gifts - this was sampled, and stored for later in the week! Alas, it seemed that our room was the only one without a third bed, so two of us had the unpleasant ordeal of soberly trying to sleep sharing a double bed - also, we were next to the lift, which was surprisingly noisy, though not as loud as Jer’s random moans.

Ciarán claims he went to bed tired but happy, asleep before his head hit the pillow, but I suspect that’s a load of shite.

Tuesday 14^th November

The worst night’s sleep in the history of the world ever was followed by the grim prospect of a fry-less breakfast - another sign of the difference between this year and last year (last year, this had been ‘suggested’ and we just sniggered and took the piss, this year, we actually adhered to it!).

Elmer’s "Touching Moments in the life of Room 213" #1

Anyone who feels like questioning AK’s commitment to the club should forever bow their heads in shame. How could you even think that about a man who screams for his team, at the top of his voice in the most high-pitched tone I have ever heard at 8:00am on a random Tuesday morning? And what was that he screamed? COME ON UCC!!!!!! The thing was, it was not a random chant to psyche himself up. Oh no, the man had only just heard the wake up call (gentle knock on the door courtesy of Alma) and before myself or Eoin had even stirred, Kinky’s head was up off the pillow screaming his little heart out. And with the final exhale of the chant, his head returned to the pillow for one last bit of shuteye. Another touching moment in the life of room of 213.

We headed out to LIT, for the game against DCU and remembered our last visit there - a grim 1-1 draw with Institute 2nds in appalling rain with the team savagely hungover (it was the day after my birthday). Sadly, the spectre of Institute 2nds was to haunt us later in the week. Damien led us in the warm-up, the most exciting part of which was trying to avoid the techies who were doing their best to knock us down. Earlier, Trin had beaten Surgeons 3-0, not bad given they had woken us up at approximately 6.30am arriving home from their revelry.

We took to the pitch following Surgeons Birds’ historic victory over Trin. Former College Stalwart #1 Jo Hyland was one of the ringers RCSI had brought in to help them on their way. Former College Stalwart # 2 Patsy had turned up to support, looking particularly alicadoo-like in his work garb. DCU had made a terrible start to their league campaign, so we felt reasonably confident of getting off to a good start…

UCC v DCU/Aer Lingus

Kieran

Jer Gav Andy Jim

Damien Simon Eoin

Willy AndyT Squire

Sadly, we didn’t make the start we would have liked, and in fact gave away a short corner after approximately 0.1 seconds. To be honest, DCU’s Wimbledon-style long ball game was in marked contrast to the quality hockey played by C of I and ‘quins in our last few games. Still that’s no excuse, we should have imposed our own game on them. It was 0-0 at half time, but the half time team talk couldn’t really rouse us from our lethargy.

In the 36^th minute of the game, Patsy on the sideline opines, "This crowd [DCU] don’t look like scoring anyway!"

In the 37^th minute of the game, the Ballymun boys score when they latched onto a misplaced pass from defence leaving them with two men through against Kieran.

In the 38^th minute of the game, they scored again, a raised shot that hit Jer above the waist and as such deflected past Kieran but somehow was deemed not dangerous?? Bizarre!

In the 39^th minute of the game, the frustration got to Kingston and he was booked for hitting the ball in anger.

For the rest of the game, we didn’t create much up front, only Andy T went close with a trademark reverse side flick, the keeper did well although I don’t think we got a corner for it. Eoinzy had a couple of ‘drag flicks’ (gentle raised pushes), one of which seemed to go narrowly wide. Other than that we created little or nothing, and left the pitch dejected, gutted, under the moon, pissed off etc. As well as the result, Damien’s niggly leg injury was growing increasingly less niggly.

After the depressing showering, we adjourned to a nearby pub for some lunch - bizarrely some of the lads tucked into huge feeds despite having another match in only a few hours time. Wisely after the pub John told us to return to the hotel for a while to ‘clear our heads’ in a Home and Away-esque fashion. We relaxed for a while before returning to LIT to face the might of Surgeons. We learned that our girls had done a lot better than us, beating DCU 3-0.

UCC v RCSI

Kieran

Jer Gav Andy Elmer

Damien Eoin Simon

Willy AndyT Squire

One of the upshots of the post-mortem on the last game was that it seemed we were much more effective with Simon on the left of midfield and Eoin in the centre, so the two lads swapped. For once, we actually made it easy for ourselves by starting well and getting an early goal. The game after that was fairly comfortable, in fact we were able to rest people and allow Damien to nurse his sore leg by dropping into the role of sweeper.

The task for the second half was to score a goal from open play, and thankfully Willy obliged with a brace. (That’s soccer-speak for two.) Ciarán had come on at half time but his involvement was limited to an encounter with Alex when the ball went over the sideline. He ran after it, as did Alex, but the latter shied away after the former shouted at him "Leave it, leave it, it’s mine!" Then he kicked it to him. Marvellous.

A 5-0 scoreline meant we were a much happier team leaving the pitch (we may even have done a warm-down!) but it all meant that we would probably have to beat Trin tomorrow to progress.

There was slight confusion next as to whether we were showering there, heading over to UL to see the girls, or returning to the hotel. It would have been nice to watch the girls play, but it would have been impossible at 5pm to get across the city. Just as well, as their game against UU was scoreless. Still, a fantastic start for the girls. So anyway we decided to return to the hotel. Ciarán had gone into the changing rooms and didn’t realise this change in plans, but luckily I was still there when he emerged confused and lonely. Former College Stalwart #3 John Enright (aka coach of UU, aka coach of NUIG) and a few of his charges were looking particularly chilly by the pitch, so we offered them a lift back. John the Coach and Pam the Captain gleefully returned leaving the troops at the mercy of someone coming in a car to collect them! Harsh, but fair. Meanwhile Cathal had arrived just after the match to boost our numerical contingent to 16 once again.

Back in the hotel, we got to watch the new official game of the Intervarsities, "The Weakest Link".

Anne Robinson: "In another disappointing round, team, out of a possible &pound;1,000, you only managed to bank &pound;220………… Who’s holding you back?"

<Pause as AR looks evilly at the contestants

AR: "It’s time to vote off…………… THE WEAKEST LINK!!!!"

Voice-over: "In the last round, statistically Jan was the weakest link with the fewest correct answers, while Ian banked the least amount of money, but will the voting… follow…

THE STATISTICS!!!!!"

AR: "Voting over!"

Jon: "Jan!"

Jan: "Jon!"

Ian: "Jan!"

AR: "Ian, why Jan???"

Ian: "Well, you know, it’s very hard at this stage, you know, I just feel she missed out one or two she should have known, you know…."

AR: "Well, Jan, the team has spoken. With two votes, you ARE the weakest link, you leave with nothing. GOODBYE!"

Marvellous. By the way, try imagining that in a French accent, it makes it even funnier.

We were allowed a pint or two before departing for the meal with the girls (usually on Wednesday, but this year the girls brought it forward to facilitate drinking on Wednesday!) Down in the bar were celebrating Surgeons girls, still basking in the glory of their victory over Trin, even though they’d subsequently been thumped by UU.

The restaurant was great craic, though embarrassingly the girls out-drank us comfortably. Kingston’s youthfulness was recognised by him being forced to drink from a baby’s bottle (which had been found in the expensive taxi). For some reason there was also mobile telephony between people at different tables.

The meal was nice, though pricey, and in fact we were punished severely when the bill arrived. Gav the Leader eventually sorted it and we moved on towards the venue of the night’s revelry, a place by the name of ‘Riddlers’ apparently. It was absolutely jammed so we adjourned to a place called Nevada Smith’s around the corner. There we were treated to Latino music, but to the utter dejection of the girls Willie didn’t strut his stuff. The girls did dance for a while, then the lads. Ciarán gave a brief tutorial on the art of Latin dancing - the three crucial elements being hips, eye contact and body contact. (I thought you had to have a fixed grin also?) Ciarán was disillusioned with my inability to achieve more than two of these at the same time. Once again we departed early for home, leaving the girls to salvage the battered reputation of UCC hockey drinkers.

After the meeting, we went to our rooms and watched as "America Decided&trade;" on Sky News. Damien took a pen and paper and spend hours trying to figure out the statistics of our group situation (all the while keeping his leg wrapped in ice). We concluded that it would be best if we beat Trinity! We also discussed tactics, as evidenced by the bizarre scribblings on my notebook.

Ciarán claims he went to bed tired but happy, asleep before his head hit the pillow, but I suspect that’s a load of shite. He also says Phil came home drunk.

Wednesday 15^th November

I rang Ciarán first thing in the morning, and he excitedly informed me that Al Gore was the next president of the United States.

The match wasn’t until 1.15pm, so we could have a civilised and leisurely (though of course fry-less) breakfast. Then back to the rooms to relax and watch "Florida Decide&trade;" on Sky News. FCS #3 John Enright texted me to inform of Trin’s shock defeat at the hands of DCU - meaning a draw would be enough for us to go through!

Damien: "Jim, who tells you zis?"

Jim: "Johnny Enright, he’s out at the pitch!"

<Damien proffers a Gallic blank stare of ignorance

Jim: "You met him during the Jazz weekend in Jury’s!"

<Damien continues to stare blankly

<Jim describes John through the medium of gesturing, as it were

Damien: "Ohhhhh! Of course!"

I rang Ciarán informing that Al Gore wasn’t in fact the next president of the United States as such, and berated him for his poor information.

We set off towards UL with a view to stopping for lunch in "The Hurlers", but instead we pressed on to UL itself. We relaxed in one of their bars (the Stables or the Scholars or something), recalling our most recent trip to UL (well trying to anyway). Water, Lucozade, Red Bull, and bananas were the order of the day. John came around and gave individual team talks to the starting XI, and with that it was time to get under way.

UCC v Trinners

Kieran

Jer Gav Andy Jim

Damien Simon Eoin

Willy AndyT Squire

Damien’s leg didn’t feel too bad, and the other injured person, namely Squire, also felt ok. Nonetheless they warmed up on their own. A large group of supporters had arrived from Cork, which was nice - special mention must go to the Comm lads who had risen early after the Comm Hunt in Jury’s the night before.

The match began well for us, we settled pretty quickly. However Damien’s leg just wasn’t up to a midfield roll, so moved into defence with Kingston moving up. We had problems keeping tabs on FCS#4 Roly who popped everywhere causing no end of problems. However we kept them at bay until half time, and we began to believe we might do it.

Second half, it was real backs-to-the-wall stuff, we barely ever left our own 25 (not helped by bizarre hitouts going for Trin long corners!). They turned the screw for the last ten minutes, but thanks to some heroics in goal from Kieran, an appalling miss by a Trin lad, and the superb umpiring of Alvin the Northern Umpire meant we maintained parity.

Then, with thirty seconds remaining, a short corner was needlessly given away, and we held our breath. I’m not sure was it worse for the lads on the goal-line facing it, or those of us on the half-way line looking on. I’ve no doubt it was worst of all for John on the sideline! Since I can’t remember what happened, Jer takes up the tale:

"With only seconds left of an absorbing encounter UCC were hanging on grimly when, despite roars from the rock solid UCC defence not to "dive in," (I think it was) Squire "dived in" thus conceding a late late short corner. Trin huddled at the top of the D discussing tactics as the lads waited tentatively in the goal. As the ball was flicked hard to Kieran's stick-side Jer remembers some last minute advice from his trusty last line of defence and promptly leaves it, safe in the knowledge that his keeper has it covered. For one horrible split second he regrets his decision as the ball fizzes past him. But wait...Kieran's stick appears from nowhere to deflect it around the post. And that was that, before the subsequent corner could be taken our mate Alvin halts proceedings with three shrill blasts."

All together now:

"Who put Trinners out,

College, College,

Who put Trinners out,

U-C-C!"

The warm-down (well to be honest, it was more of a water fight) was conducted in high-spirits just outside the main entrance to the old sports centre, with "La la la" providing the background music. We showered at our leisure before emerging happily into the UL sunshine. On the way out, Jer and I passed a group of random girls, who inquired if we knew when Trinity were playing next. Men or ladies, we asked them. Men, was their reply. With great glee, we informed them of Trin’s demise at the hands of UCC, ie us, a few minutes before, which was nice!

Off to the bar for a well deserved Pint of Triumph. Also lunch which Alex claimed was free. This turned out not to be the case, so Alex was politely instructed to shut up. Squire and Damien went for treatment with Phil’s mum, the rest of us then stayed to watch the girls, also in action against Trin. They had played Surgeons in the morning and romped to a 3-0 win. This meant they went into the Trinity match assured of a place in the semi-finals, but also knowing that victory would eliminate Trin, and give them an easier draw in the semi. And indeed, an early goal by Orlaith C gave them a cushion that they managed to hang on to with the newly-arrived keeper Orla McCarthy making several great saves. All together again:

"Who put Trinners out,

College, College,

Who put Trinners out,

U-C-C!"

(Note: this song was modified later to commemorate Surgeons victory also over Trin)

So, back to the hotel, and an unbelievably satisfying strut through the bar where both Trin squads were drowning their sorrows. Elmer and Simon were descending in the lift, when they came across two lads, Trin, as it turned out. Elmer, still on a high after both of our teams successful passage to the semifinals, asked how the two lads had fared today, assuming they were Surgeons or someone. Shite, was the terse reply, and Elmer realised they were Trin lads at approximately the same time the Trin lads noticed the UCC crest on Elmer’s jacket - Simon quickly ushered Elmer away before a scuffle could develop!

Tonight’s plan revolved around Man Utd v Dynamo Kiev, but first it was time for a munch. Some of us headed off in search for the first Abra-kebabra/Supermacs type place we could find - an overwhelming urge for chicken burgers, garlic mayo, cheese and chips having overcome us.

We passed by Eddie Rockets and noticed some of our supporters in there, including Ronan. We didn’t have the time (or indeed inclination) to eat there, so we waved politely and carried on to Abra-kebabra two or three doors down. Within seconds, a bitching text message had arrived from Ronan shocker!

The next task was to find a suitable venue for the match - the bar in Jury’s was out of the question because of the presence of the drunken Trin losers. We headed off to a place called South’s, which was nice and quiet. We had fun trying to list the varsities squad of ‘98 - apologies to Les Roycroft for struggling to remember you! However Squire made biggest faux pas, failing to include Gav and Jer.

By the time Utd had achieved the crucial victory through Teddy the vast majority of the squad had arrived, plus supporters including FCSs #5,6 Dave Hackett and Gussie. The only two that were missing were Elmer and Damien, not sure where they were or what they were up to.

After the match, we downed our waters and proceeded to Nancy Blake’s, the Wednesday night’s official venue. There, more cokes and waters and sober banter with drunken people. Orlando the Limerick Umpire chatted with us for a while (relations having improved since the Oakley-Lavin-Martin Cup of last year). Then, some random punters threw something at us (not hard), I think they were UCD lads, not sure though. Anyway, we were sober and Elmer wasn’t there, so there was no point responding.

We left the bar to the encouraging sight of the Queen’s lads entering. Back to the hotel for a brief meeting, some stirring words from John for us to ponder before bed. In the room, we watched more of the Florida fiasco. Only in America! A few of the lads got a rap on the knuckles when they were spotted down in the bar, but I think it was all a bit of a misunderstanding. Damien’s massage skills were put to good use, though Jer didn’t appreciate the moans.

Ciarán claims he went to bed tired but happy, asleep before his head hit the pillow, but I suspect that’s a load of shite. He also says Phil came home drunk. He was woken up at 2am by me asking him the county town of Offaly, but alas he didn’t know. (Note: it’s Tullamore, not Birr.)

Elmer’s "Touching Moments in the life of Room 213" #2

Room 213 is especially appreciative of all the house calls courtesy of 212 (namely Julie, Eimear Mac and Orla Mac). Once we had knocked 3 times, the girls would toddle in to keep us company, which was always nice.

Thursday 16^th November

Up before 8am for the first time of the week - nasty experience! Though I suppose we should spare a thought for the girls who were up over an hour earlier. We were out to UL fairly quickly, in fact too quickly as we had a bit of time on our hands to kill prior to the match. We were in the new sports building, fairly impressive, especially the running track suspended from the roof! The girls were beating UCD, which was nice, in fact they held on to win 3-1.

More supporters arrived, namely Gally, Derry and Vinny. Now Gally has kindly submitted an account of various events, but I think only he could understand it fully. However I’ll try my best to mould it into something resembling English.

"gally+derry+vinny+vodka with yop on the bus@9:30 thurs morn = lads of the merriment much drinking continued in genes room and bottles of the spirit nature were tucked into nicely"

I think this means that the lads got the bus from Cork and drank vodka and yop, then continued in Gene’s room with bottles of hard liquor. Or else it’s something to do with ‘I Dream of Genie’.

After lounging in the changing room for what seemed like an eternity, we hit the pitch for the warm-up. Damien’s leg was feeling a little better.

UCC v QUB

Kieran

Jer Gav Andy Jim

Damien Simon Eoin

Willy AndyT Squire

To be honest, I can’t remember much about this game, except that we played ok in the first half only to be caught out by two goals in rapid succession. (Also it turned out that Ivan Campbell was indeed Alistair’s brother, and he was also called Soupie.) The half-time talk did wonders, and we restarted really well. We earned a stroke within four minutes which Kingston coolly converted (his third), and we had Queen’s really on the rack. So much so that we won loads of short corners, and indeed Willy buried one after it had broken down, only for the bearded idiot (an Institute 2nds player) to disallow it as he had already blown for another short to us. Alas, worse was to come.

Barber had come on (as had Elmer) and he was through wide on the right, he did very well to get a shot in which beat the keeper, but up stepped a Queen’s bloke to kick it, yes kick it, away. And then all hell breaks loose as a short corner is given instead of a stroke! Alvin was at the other end, and he ran forward, possibly with a view to ‘helping’ the other guy, but I think we protested too much and he became less inclined to inform the idiot of the rules.

We were absolutely livid, and didn’t really play well from that point on. Queen’s hung on for their 2-1 victory. Gutted. The umpire involved in the penalty incident was politely advised to perhaps make an investment in a copy of the rules. After the game, we had to take the team photo, hence the glum faces on many of us on the website front page.

Of course as the saying goes, every cloud blah blah blah, and this silver lining was that we could finally go out and get drunk. Back to the changing rooms where we got it out of our system (well most of us anyway), bitched about the umpire (shocker), took a few photos (not sure why to be honest), before breaking out the cans and hitting the showers. After a few standard chants, we launched into Christmas carols (Away in a Manger, Silent Night) before we realised that singing in the shower was a fineable offence. Ciarán was alive to us, but once we realised the damage was done, we returned to our musical exploits.

Next time for a sorrows-drowning sambuca, and we decided to go out and support our other girls. I and some of the random supporters (Syb, Yvonne, and FCS#7 Aoife), in search of a shop, rather disturbingly found ourselves in ‘Kilmurray Village’, but we returned to Limerick and UL safely (not before Syb renewed acquaintances with an old friend from Irish college).

Our Galway girls were losing 3-0 to Trin in one of the Chilean plate semi-finals, but with our raucous vocal encouragement they fought back with two goals from Pam "Pure Class" Ryan. Enright, coaching them, refused to acknowledge our requests to ‘give us a wave’, so we started giving him (good-natured) abuse. Sadly however, Galway couldn’t complete their comeback and they lost 4-2 in the end. Mindful of our scoring prospects later on, a few of us tried to congratulate the Trin birds, to make up for the continuous abuse administered during the match!

Now it was definitely time for those with cars to return to Jury’s. A few stayed behind equipped with various bottles of whisky and sambuca. We quickly got changed, went down to the bar, and got ready to return to UL for the girls’ final against UUJ. A taxi was called, but due to a bit of a fuckup somewhere along the line, a minibus with a capacity of eight arrived, which was a shame since there was nine of us, and the taxi driver was as intransigent as an idiot bearded umpire. Thus Elmer, Laura and I remained, and we asked the taxi driver to send another one for us.

As it turned out we nabbed a random one, but out of guilt I rang Gav in the minibus in order to ask him to inform the ‘fucking dickhead’ (we were a bit pissed off that he hadn’t taken all nine of us, and of course we were a bit pissed) that we had found a cab, so to cancel the one he had ordered. Our cabbie was in marked contrast to the other prick, and when word was sent from the pitch that booze supplies were low the cabbie was only too happy to stop at a) and ATM and b) an offy.

These tasks were completed (see picture of Elmer), and we arrived at UL only about 15 minutes late (the game was still scoreless), to the delight of the thirsty masses. There was a large contingent of us, and the Galway girls were also there. I nicked a bottle of sambuca, and made off with it (obviously playing catchup). There was banter with a cameraman on the roof of a van, though he refused our kind offer of some booze. We also chanted about him I think. There were approximately 1,000,000 photos taken. Here’s more from Gally:

"many incidents happened at the UL sideline, phil and squire rolling down the side of the hill in a drunken manner; much rowdy chanting of the lads for the wimin; a bus trip back to jurys which I dont recall"

On the pitch, the game was very close, with both teams defending very well. It was heading towards extra time, but we didn’t care - sambuca has a great warming up effect! In E.T., EJ had the chance to win it with a stroke, but no joy alas.

Inevitably the game went to strokes, which wasn’t good given UCC LHC’s recent record of varsity penalty shoot-outs. However the girls took a 3-1 lead when Jen, Eimear Mac and Alma scored, but were pegged back again, so on to sudden death. The tension grew unbearable, broken only when there was premature elation from Orlaith who thought UCC had won at one point. EJ, having missed two strokes in the match at this stage, then stepped up to take one, knowing that if she missed it UCC would lose, but heroically she scored it.

UU missed the next one, leaving Eimear Mac the opportunity to end it. She stepped up and buried it low to the keepers right. The girls went mad on the pitch, as did we up on the bank. EJ’s mum had produced some champagne for the triumphant girls and after a few minutes of celebrations they disappeared into the changing room. We suddenly realised there was no booze left! This was partially due to Phil who smashed a bottle of sambuca, the eejit. Kudos to Ronan though for sucking a sambuca-soaked glove dry, defying the presence of shards of shattered sambuca-bottle.

As we were leaving we noted wistfully Queen’s and DCU (who had beaten UU, yet again had defying the fact that they seemed to be shit!) in the final of the Mauritius - it looked like a shite game! (sour grapes? Where?)

There was a large bus going back to Jury’s Inn, which most people availed of - I had initially been in Dave’s car, but the bus looked like more fun so I jumped out of the car, ran up to the bus (which had begun to move off), was told (in gesture-form) that the bus was full, then somebody on the bus recognised me and told the driver to let me on (it must have been someone like Monty). Down the back were loads of UCC lads and UCG lassies, and good fun was had. I remember singing "<random person give us a wave" for some drunken reason. Kieran Healy had nicked Erin (the UCG physio, and nearly UU player)’s hat and was protecting it from Pammy’s attempts to retrieve it. He succeeded, and indeed punished Pammy by carrying her off the bus over his shoulder. Interesting strategy, Kieran!

Not sure what happened next, but luckily Gally does:

"a few bevvies in the bar where apparently michelles ickle one was trying to consume alcoholic substances then was a few slabs in room 2?? with over 700 people in the room(no lie!) realising we had to spruce up we headed to various rooms, kieran h had a bit of trouble wondering should he wear 1 shoe or 2 tie or no tie pants or no pants"

Speaking of Michelle’s ickle one apparently when watching our game against Queen’s, Ronan and BAZ were engaging Michelle (holding ickle one) in conversation.

Ronan/BAZ: "What’s his name?"

Michelle: "Peter........oh, no, hang on this is David."

Vinny puked in BAZ’s room also at some stage, it should be pointed out.

The random room drinking continued with some Buckfast with a few Galway girls in our room, plus some Smirnoff Ice (with the aid of the Shooter of course) - finally we realised that the bus was leaving soon and we weren’t all neat and tidy yet. Then I realised I didn’t even have a ticket! Getting changed in the room was made slightly more difficult by Jer romping on the ground with a certain Galway girl (who by coincidence is the sister of the bloke who scored with the sister of Roly), though Jer insists nothing happened. (me arse)

Once all was sorted, we assembled in the lobby (I assume - it gets very vague (again) from here!)

The Banquet

First memory outage: no recollection of the bus trip. (Why is it always the bus trips that are the first things to get forgotten?) I presume there was a medley of songs and chants. When we arrived, we were first ushered into the bar at the hotel. Nothing stands out here either, except for brief banter with random other colleges. Photos were taken.

Into the banquet, more pints. I imagine the food came eventually, bizarrely starting with a fruit salad? As usual the food was ignored for the most part, and luckily no food fights broke out for once. Erin of NUIG/UU fame had zogabongs which were passed around. Jo Hyland visited our table and nicked all our brocoli, which was a bit weird. Random punters such as Alma and Gav turned up at our table at various intervals and sat down. Almost forgot: Kingston and Louise putting on a show between courses at one of the tables (see photo)!

The next issue was that of the dreaded closing bar, not sure if that coincided with the meal or with the onset of the speeches. Once again Gally chips in:

"alma+sylvia+turning of key in lock of the bar = frantic running to bar with the sharp utterance from sylvia of "quick lads the bar is open"*

* Gally has since informed me that this bit is in fact utter bollox, but it’s funny so it stays!

a brief but merry chat was had by me with my ex-principal in the hall-what an idiot boy! by now vinny(who puked in bazs room previously-nearly forgot) had acquired a Gorbachev (excuse the spelling) style shit stain on his forehead, I laughed at him! awkward speeches that nobody remembers followed"

Yes indeed, the speeches. I think EJ made a good (short and sweet) one, there was general pandemonium in our corner when she raised the Chilean aloft, resulting in harsh exchanges of words between happy UCC punters and surly bouncers. I trod a fine line when a bouncer ran over to me to instruct me to step off the chair - this having been done he set off to punish somebody else - by stepping on a chair! I screamed at him to get off the chair with Gav nervously saying to me "Easy, easy!" Luckily he didn’t hear me or I would have been joining the ranks of those turfed out in shame!

Anyway after the presentations was the announcement of the Men’s Irish University Squad (I’d forgotten it even existed to be honest!). To our delight Damien, Eoin, Andy K, and Kieran made it on (see picture), and let’s just say it meant a lot to everyone (especially Eoin and me for some reason!). Anyway let’s move swiftly on but before we do I must mention Dave’s generous gift of a double vodka and Red Bull to help me through that difficult time. Cheers also to Gav and Jer for their emotional support!

Once this was over and done with it was time to return to the important and difficult task of garnering booze. Easier said than done, alas. Gally:

"I then spent a very long time at the bar for many reasons:

1. eamon and I decided to get a baileys and carlsberg and finish them quickly
2. jim if you remember(sorry) you gave me a ginormous list of drinks to get for u, 6bergs and a shot of ? I gave them to you 1berg short and lost your 20 note and couldn’t pay for them luckily I looked on the ground and found 2 tenners and all was good

3. barber proceeded to tell how he swapped his tie for a surjins one and being the nice bloke that he is he stole his own one back, making two
4. dave hackett proceeded to tell me how one day i might be high up in the club and how terrible that day would be but he didnt mean it that way and said he’d be the first to vote for me cos he’d heard a lot of good stuff about me. after that he bought 3 drinks for me and a great chat was had(I’d like to add what a sound bloke he is cos I never really talked to him before). When drink 4 was up the bar staff decided that they were going to close the bar and not give us our prepaid drinks so we held up the shutter for at least 45 seconds before my knuckles gave to repeated blows from the other side. then realising there was a side door we walked in and got our drinks
5. i told random UU chick she was beautiful and was amazed how well she took it and was almost in there when I got another big order of drinks and apparently she left. I searched frantically for her for almost four minutes and then gave up when i realised the liason officer clare (who had my tie for ages) had a very very I mean extremely frisky friend (and I’ll guarantee more than one of the lads will back me up on this one) whose name was niamh I do believe"

As usual I’ve no idea if there were a band or not. However we danced on regardless, and random scoring broke out. Meanwhile Jer and Syb had left, ostensibly to take care of Alma and Eims who had been ejected for excessive drunkenness. I wandered outside also to offer my creative genius to the task of getting them back in, but my efforts weren’t received at all gratefully. Jer was also punished by one of the drunkards - how’s the wound Jer? In the end, myself and a random UCD lad penetrated a fence blocking off the rear of the building, and some kind friends of his opened up an emergency exit for us (not before having a laugh at our expense by pointing and laughing and threatening to call bouncers etc. Hilarious). Having established the viability of the re-entering route, I once again went outside to inform the people outside, but again they were uninterested. And to make things worse, I can’t remember why, but I couldn’t get back in the same way! Disaster! Thankfully Monty of UL came to my assistance and once again I was secure in the bosom of the hotel dancefloor (though technically I did promise Monty and the bouncers I was only going in for five minutes to get my coat). (Ironically, Monty was kicked out later - hope it was nothing to do with me!)

Back inside, more dancing, don’t remember anything specific. Gally remembers stuff though:

"off the top of my head I cant recall much more of the banquet except the following:

1. tayto bopping me on several occasions, one in the teeth causing bloodness of the gums,
2. eoinzy and you jim being emotional
3. sylvia saying "gally can I sleep on your shoulder" to which I replied...ooops too late 45mins sleep for syb
4. damo having a chat with the Irish varsities selector and telling him that he play where he like and I asked about the fact of damo playing french U21 and didn’t get an answer
5. was it just me or was the staff esp. the bouncers the biggest load of cock you’ve ever seen?"

Again, I don’t really remember the ending (surely somebody less drunk should write these things?), but I do remember the mad scramble for the bus. Everybody seemed to be missing coats/bags/phones (or maybe it was just Pam - she was a bit distracted telling people she was pure class!) Anyway no joy on the bus front, so we (Susan D, Aoife, Pam, me) decided to call a cab. I remember John E sitting on the bus smugly gazing out at those unfortunates outside, the bollix!

Not being from Shannonside, we were unaware of any taxi numbers, so I rang a random taxi-like number (I think it was 311111) and it was indeed a cab company, which was nice. A taxi arrived duly, and back to Jury’s Inn with us. I seem to recall Dave having a funny taxi-related incident around this time, but can’t remember exactly what happened.

Note to the lads: a certain Galway girl, let’s call her Sarah L, no wait that’s too obvious, let’s call her S Larkin, scored with a Trinners bloke. How did we let this happen???

Back in the hotel, the lobby was full of random Trin, Surjins, UCC, Galway people, which was nice. Random drunken events took place, as well as random scoring in various rooms. (ye know who ye are!). Eimear Mac, having not quite managed to fit in the banquet to her busy schedule, put in an appearance, which consisted of collapsing on top of random people sitting on the couches.

Many people congregated in Elmer/Eoinzy/Kingstons room, in fact there were:

Elmer, Kingston, Eoin, Ronan, Ciarán, Val, Orla Mc, Julie, Barber.

<Random Staff Member knocks

<The lads hide

<Elmer answers door

Elmer: "Yes?"

RSM: "How many people are in this room?"

Elmer: "Approximately 5!"

RSM: "Is that including the bathroom?"

<Elmer opens bathroom door and looks in

Elmer: "That would not be including the bathroom."

RSM: "Does that include the guy with the black shoes hiding between the beds?"

<Elmer looks around

<Ronan pops his head up

Elmer: "Emmm...no."

RSM: "What about the blond girl next to him?"

<Val pops her head up just above the level of the bed

Val (to Ronan): "Can he see me?"

Elmer (to RSM): "Em.....that would be a no."

<All march out of the room and meet Squire and Louise who had taken the wheelchair from the lobby and was being wheeled by Squire around the corridors

This wasn’t enough excitement for Ciarán and Ronan, so they decided to drag Eoin into the lift in his shirt and boxers with toothbrush in hand (and possibly mouth). They held him until the ground floor, and then pushed him out of the lift into the lobby, whereupon Ciarán pulled down his boxers. The lads remained in the lift. A staff member was standing right in front of the lift and began shouting at the evil duo in the lift, who started frantically pushing buttons. Eoin pulled up his boxers and walked calmly across the lobby brushing his teeth! Fair play!

I’m not sure was that incident before or after Eoin and Phil started modelling ladies hockey gear. Phil nicked Orla Canavan’s top for some reason, I think there’s a picture of it somewhere.

The next incident of note was the arrival of a Garda on the scene - I actually remember this as I was enjoying a quiet fag outside the hotel away from the mayhem in the lobby. The Garda chatted to a staff member for a while, then departed without even going in, which was a shame, as I always enjoy drunken Garda-banter (even more than drunken taxi-banter).

Perhaps it was just as well, as soon criminal thoughts began to form in the minds of two of the girls. Gally, once again in his own inimitable style, takes up the tale:

"aoife and susan began operation "steal the plate" in the lobby at about 5, sue asked to view the plate from the trinners chicks and put it up her jumper when they weren’t looking, she said the two guys in the corner had it (being random and innocent they were bewildered) then the fiendish two pulled a fast one to the lift but were stopped before they got anywhere. The conversation went something like:

Trin1: "where is our plate"

Sue: "what plate"

Trin2: "the plate we just gave you"

Aoife: "we dont have it we gave it to those lads"

Trin1+2 to lads: "wheres our plate?"

Lads: "what plate they probably have it"

(dashing after ucc chicks)Trin1: "give us back our plate"

aoife: "what are you talking about?"

Trin2: "the one thats up her jumper"

Sue(producing a well battered plate): "yeah well ye stole it from us"

Trin1: "well look at the state ye left it in, typical ucc"

Sue: "we left it in! that was ye"

this bickering continued to the lift.

after this I was left to carry sue to her room and after many sleep stops on the way such as the hallway"

So that was that. Ciarán claims he went to bed tired but happy, asleep before his head hit the pillow, and it may just be true.

Friday 17^th November

Elmer’s "Touching Moments in the life of Room 213" #3

I woke up in the morning, I turn over and there is Val, I look over and I see Julie in Eoinzy's bed, with Eoin precariously hanging over the edge, and finally, Eimear Mac in Kinky's bed with Kinky. Impressive stuff out of 213!! Except for one important detail: none of us had actually pulled, they were merely making use of our hospitality. So as I put my head back on the pillow lightly giggling to myself about the previous nights exploits, this huge impression appears and blocks the sunlight from the window: Derry raises from the dead between our beds! Argggghhhhh! A moment, maybe not a touching one, but certainly a moment all the same. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me!

Postscript to this moment: Having recovered from this shock, Elmer and Val had the following conversation:

<Elmer rolls over to Val

Elmer: "Great night wasn’t it?"

Val: "Yeah, over a bit quick though!"

Probably because of the strict earlyish rising all week, we did indeed get up for breakfast. In our room Jer discovered an unfinished bottle of Buckfast, which he brought down to the dining room. Bizarrely, the staff didn’t object to this, but instead to our barefootedness. The rapier-like carpet would surely cut our feet to shreds! Alas as one of the drivers, I had to restrain myself from joining Jer in his boozing antics. I’m not sure what Uncle John made of it!

After eating sausages and rashers in large amounts, it was time to embark on a random trek through the hotel. Involved were Jim, Jer, Gav, Simon, Gally. We started at the top, and were entertained in the corridor first by Gally doing highly impressive cart-wheels, then by Gav doing less dramatic forward-rolls, then best of all, Gally kicking Gav’s ass in an impromptu bout of WWF. Gally picked Gav up and they spun around until they both fell over feeling slightly nauseous. I thought Gally was going to try a DDT or maybe a body-slam.

Somewhere along the line Jer and I had acquired a can of beer and some water, so we decided to contribute to the shenanigans by having a water/beer fight in one of the lifts, which was quite amusing. Our next port of call was room 111, home to some of the Galway girls. Banter was had, and the ghost of Avalon House ‘98 was finally laid to rest with a symbolic donation of a fag to Alma (the Galway girl who had spawned the whole puke boy/Galway bitches thing). Glad that’s all settled then! Anyway we were informed that a certain UL lad, let's call him 'Tony' (in his socks only) and Erin were in room 117, so we set off anon.

Beyond our wildest dreams, the door was ajar, so in we went. Indeed, 'Tony' and Erin were entwined, sleep in a post-coital daze. Though the sheets were arranged in a day-time tv manner, it seemed that yes indeed, 'Tony' was wearing only his socks! Thus, we arranged ourselves into a chorus line, and issued forth the now legendary ditty:

"'Tony'’s got his socks on,

'Tony', 'Tony',

'Tony'’s got his socks on,

To-o-o-ony!"

Imagine that as your wake up call!

Next, back to the lifts. One duly arrived, full of random punters. Mindful of our antics minutes before, Jer asked if this was the dry one. This remark was then hilariously taken totally out of context by Elmer and others, causing Jer much disquiet until we figured it out. The lift was going up when it stopped on the first floor - random punter attempted to get on, but realised that it was going the wrong way. I said "You ARE the weakest link, goodbye!" just as the door closed, which was amusing.

By now, we had picked up Damien along the way, but lost Jer. And also by now, it was time to start worrying about packing etc. So we returned to our room. Damien remarked:

"Actually Jim, you don’t have a room key, I don’t have a room key, and Jer isn’t here. Statistically, we are the weakest link."

Once the packing was done, it was time to go back to the lobby, for emotional farewells to the Galway girls, the random Surgeons people we had befriended, and even one or two Trinners people! Erin was in good form, not at all upset by the bizarre intrusion earlier - she even considered coming on the piss with us in Cork for the weekend, but she was probably just teasing us.

It’s always depressing leaving Jury’s Inn on the Friday of the varsities, but at least we had another pissup in Cork to look forward to!

For some reason the cars were less full on the way back, maybe because Andy T and Alex had to go to Galway looking at rocks (joke’s on them!), and maybe because there were loads of supporters up also. Anyway many of us met up in Charleville, and we tucked into a delicious Supermac’s munch. Then we adjourned to a random bar for a quiet one. Jer and Julie did their traditional sleeping thing, briefly anyway. Then we noticed the dreaded "WWTBAM?" machine, which occupied us for about 1.5 hours. The Curtin Links tried to answer everything, and indeed seemed supremely confident all the time, but alas were almost never right. Statistically etc…

In fairness though, we did get up to &pound;3, and the machine weakest-linkally gave us &pound;5 by mistake, which was nice, and kept us going for another while. Finally we decided that enough was enough. Gav and his passengers, and Aoife and her passenger Susan departed, but I paid a quick visit to the gents. On my return, I see Jer, Damien and Orlaith poring over the machine yet again. The final pound kept alive for a surprisingly long time, and indeed we were on the verge of making another one, when to my eternal shame, I got the following question wrong:

Which of these did James Bond films did Sean Connery appear in?

A. License to Kill B. Diamonds Are Forever

C. Octopussy D. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

As a minor expert in Bond, I know exactly who starred in all of these films, but in the heat of the moment I rashly hit D, when it was of course B. (after 5 Sean Connery movies, D was the 6^th starring George Lazenby in his one and only outing as JB - ironically, this film is one of the all time favourites among Bond aficionados, in it Bond actually leaves the Secret Service and gets married! Diamonds are Forever was the 7^th Bond film, with Sean returning for one. He came back again ten years later in an unofficial film "Never Say Never Again". So now you know.) Anyway, it was just as well, as it meant we could finally leave Charleville, after almost two hours there!

At approximately 4.40pm, we left the main dual carriageway approaching Blackpool to head for Blarney, armed with seemingly simple instructions from Kieran as to how to get to that bridge by Victoria Cross without the nightmare of rush-hour in Blackpool. At 5.10pm, we rejoined the main dual carriageway at exactly the same spot, having driven around random roads and enlisted the assistance of random punters. The only saving grace was passing the scene of a legendary puke in the annals of the hockey club, dating from the drive home from the Galway Festival in 1999!

So it was with only minor inconvenience that we finally reached the Star at about 5.30 I’d guess. Inside was the other twin link and Gally. (And possibly others briefly). A quick pint after the stress of our little detour was called for. However it was now after 6pm, and we had arranged 7pm as the kick-off time. Thus a very quick drive to Dino’s in Bishopstown, thence to my house to deposit the bags, freshen up, and drive back to the Star (having added a certain drinking tool to the inventory). We were late, so I rang Kieran as he was the most likely (being the biggest alco) to actually be there on time, but in fact the lightweight was asleep. He promised to be in around 8.30 or so. Everyone else (who weren’t rocking in Connaught) duly arrived, with the exception of Ciarán who had to put in some quality time with the chick, and Eoinzy who couldn’t be contacted for some reason. I rang my teary-eyed friend approximately 1,000,000 times, and then texted him 1,000,000,000 times, and finally at around 10pm got through and instructed him to get in here ASAP.

Meanwhile, the Shooter had been put into service by asking people to down a Smirnoff Ice as the initial hangover-killing beverage - a sensible use of it I thought. However things began to spiral out of control pretty quickly. Round after round of Smirnoff Ices were purchased, the weakest link (in downing them) was decided on. Ronan took it into the realm of folly when he slammed a pint bottle of Bulmers (they’ll have to modify their ‘Discover your true nature’ ad to include drinking it in 0.6 seconds). He is now "The Strongest Link" - at punishing bottles of Bulmers anyway. Kieran Healy and Orlaith C decided to have races - it should be pointed out that The Machine actually failed to down the Smirnoff Ice successfully using the Shooter, but he made up for this by actually beating Orlaith despite her using the Shooter. See photographic evidence.

Damien made me cry again, this time with laughter when he said "Will the team follow……. THE STATISTICS???" Elmer joined me in our little moment of insane hilarity, everyone else looked on in bemusement.

Eimear Curtin had also arrived, slightly drunk after their sister’s kitchen party (???). Within 0.1 seconds of her arrival, she had smashed my pint on the ground, sadly. However approximately 0.1 seconds after that, as I queued at the bar to get a pint, she had forgotten the whole incident, and started exchanging polite banter with me as if nothing had happened! I think we’ll call her the goldfish from now on.

Eoinzy had by now arrived (I bet he’s glad now he did!), and it was time to array ourselves neatly on the tables for a rendition of ‘La la la’. To be honest it wasn’t the greatest effort - we couldn’t really hear it properly. We remained on the tables and began the inevitable chanting of all 1,000,000 chants that had been sung during the week (including the obcsure ones about Surjins and UUJ, and some impromptu ones about new UCC hate-figure Stephen Jackson). Photos were taken, Damien and I vied to be the Tallest Link, which I won (see photo). Once the photocall was complete, did we step down from the tables? Not at all. We simply carried on chatting like a normal night in the pub (except we were on tables, which was a bit bizarre).

Time began to move on, and there were rumours and counter-rumours of buses to town. It turned out there weren’t any, so taxis were sorted. Of course a quick sambuca for the road was had. FX was where we ended up, and what can I say about what happened there? A couple of incidents stick in the mind - I arrived in FX feeling slightly dodgy, so I decided to have another Smirnoff Ice, however this time I would actually drink it normally. I started to sip it, when I noticed a few of the lads (Kieran, Eoinzy, Kingston and one or two others) in a group. I joined them, next thing they’ve all downed their drinks and are looking at me expectantly. No choice but to follow suit, hardly what was called for under the circumstances!

A certain member of the girls squad who had blazed a trail of destruction through the men’s squad the night before was at the bar. She ordered a pint (or something). Looking up, she noticed three more members of the lads nearby. She quickly amended her drink to a glass of water!

As things progressed, there was lots and lots of scoring (and a bit of puking - one particularly poorly executed one just outside the men’s jacks). ‘Rock DJ’ was the only song I remember them playing. When we left, Damien told me that because of my failure to join in the scoring, "You are the loser link, you leave with no girls, goodbye!"

Outside we received the shock news that Susan D was in the Mercy after sustaining a head trauma in FX. Somehow Simon the Samaritan was there, so I set about organising a relief party to forage for fags for him, and to keep him company. Syb and Alma generously donated to the cause, and Simon was very grateful when Elmer, Damien, Gally and I turned up to offer moral support. We weren’t allowed actually enter the hospital, so we smoked ouside. Eventually it was announced that Susan would have to be kept in overnight, so we could go home, which was nice. Elmer had given his number as a contact, so he decided to go home, eschewing vodka in my place. Gally had nowhere to stay either, he announced, "I am the homeless link, I leave with no house, goodbye!"

Pat the Cab was rung, and we had twenty minutes to kill before he was in town, so we strolled towards the Western Road. At Muskerry service station, we had the pleasure of meeting 3 American girls, none of whom (no matter what Simon says) were cute. They also played ‘field hockey’, well one of them did anyway. She played left ‘wang’, and was so good that she was able to stop the ball on her reverse side! We marvelled at this feat.

Pat arrived, then we met the Taxiless Twin Links. Luckily a random cab pulled up and we ushered them into it. Back in my house, Simon (who had gone from being a Mr Drunken Smiley at the hospital to a raging madman as we walked to get the taxi, displaying a Gav-esque level of yobbishness) and the no-longer homeless Gally crashed early, leaving Damien and I to stay up until approximately 6am drinking vodka and talking about life (as you do).

Saturday 18^th November

"What?" I hear you say, "Saturday??? Aren’t the varsities over yet???" And of course they are technically, but it was decided that the official report should end with the last pint, which took place in Garryduff later that afternoon.

The day began slowly, shocker, and after a while it was established that Jer (whose gear was in my car) was in Elmo’s house, as was Eoinzy (and obviously Elmo). The lads had Lennox’s for breakfast. We all rendezvoused, and decided to drunkenly go up the ‘duff to witness the clash between C of I and Waterford. More of the lads turned up, in fact there was about 8-10 of us in the end. The match finished 13-0 to C of I (Waterford were robbed). A final pint of Bulmers was had in the clubhouse where Elmo and John debated the future of hockey.

Then we said enough. It’s time to get on with our lives.

Miscellaneous Events that I can’t place

Conversation in Jim/Jer/Damien’s room:

Damien: "Puke!"

Jim: "Fork!"

Jer: "Fuck!"

© Jim November 2000