(see Archives for past Player Profiles)

2000-2001 First team Player Profiles
(pre-Varsities, by Jim)

Back row (l-r): John Rose, Squire, Eoinzy, Damien, Cathal, Gav, Elmo, Jim, Barber, Willy, Andy T, Phil
Front row: Jer, Simon, Ciarán, Kieran, Kinky, Alex
Photo taken at the Varsities, University of Limerick, 8/11/00

1. Kieran "The oldest man in the world" Healy
Position: Goalkeeper/alcoholic
The mastermind behind the fines, but is it all some sort of elaborate scam? Has a thing for beasts, in particular bears and also hockey ladies from the West. Missed the last few season with UCC as he was playing for Tabor Lodge.

2."Shut up" Alex Blacque
Position: Fisherman
Amazed us all last year with his incredible knowledge of Belfast, but if he mentions 'Climerick' once this week he's going to get a kicking. As usual we will have to endure his incessant ramblings - note to freshers, a curt 'shut up Alex' usually does the trick.

3. Jeremy "Love Rat" Sweetnam
Position: Roving right-back
Jer's goal for the week is to score with as many recently broken up girls as possible. UL are organising a caravan for him to sprawl in on Wednesday. He'll be under pressure to perform as well as last year (off the pitch), though this time there will be the added complication of his uncle's presence - at least Auntie Rose is safe from his advances back in Cork.

4. Andrew "Fresher so don't know enough to put something funny in here" Kingston
Position: Sweeper - or is he the centre back? I'm actually not sure, despite playing alongside him.
New guy. Nice bloke. Good at hockey, which is nice. Is playing despite a groin injury picked up in 1983 which hasn't quite cleared up. Has a problem with nightclub cashiers. Is already off the mark having scored with a random hockey chick - keep it up!

5. Gavin "Captain Fightastic" Jeffery
Position: Sweeper/centre back/occasional up-field forager
Gav is a very nice bloke until you give him a few pints and put him in the vicinity of a fast food joint. Then he turns into a terrifying madman. Expect him to get stabbed by a Limerick knacker after getting into a scrap over Gav throwing his chicken burger wrapper onto the street outside Abra-kebabra on Henry Street on Thursday night.

6. Jim "La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la/Soupie" Butler
Position: Left back (finally cast off the mantle of 'utility player').
Jim still claims to be 'the best drinker in the club' despite the fact that if he wants to know what (or more accurately who) he did the previous night, a few quick phone calls to J2 are required. Jim is now 'working' full time so expect to see plenty of rounds on him this week.

7. Simon "Why the bizarre" Mac 'splitting up of his surname?' Allister
Position: Centre mid (though for some reason he spends an awful lot of time in the left back area)
Last year saw a very different Simon from the backstabbing Judas of '98, this year we can expect more of the same. According to Phil he needed a special note addressed to the boss (Alice) to get the week off. Frankly, he was more fun in the old days.

8. Eoin "See AK" Bryan
Position: Midfielder
Another new player, this time from exotic Kilkenny. Like AK, nice bloke, good at hockey. Adds a new dimension to the team by actively winding up the opposition. Has a passionate hatred for all Dublin teams - expect to see him rising a few Trinity shites at the banquet. Money saving tip: go to the bar for Eoin with his money and short-change him as he isn't very good at maths.

9. Andy "Shin splints shmin shmplints (say ten times fast)" Tait
Position: Treatment table
Andy seems to have terminal shin splintitis, but has declared himself fit (24 hours after saying he was definitely not going). Scored the same percentage of our varsities goals last year as me in the Galway festival. Fairly quiet off the pitch, but a candidate for the liaison chick nonetheless.

10. Damien "Not Gay" Timperio
Position: Wherever he wants
Another newcomer, but we know plenty about him already! Never short of confidence, he has declared himself to be the best drinker in the club (Kieran Healy doesn't count, as he is some sort of drinking machine), his claims will be put to the test on Thursday. Failings include drinking vodka (single, shamefully) and lemon instead of manly pints (grrr). He does a good back massage though.

11. "If only it was the other" Andy Barber
Position: Forward
Andy is renowned for his incredible work ethic, and in fact has managed to close down a defender already this season. A word of warning though - avoid at all costs bringing up the subject of his 'glorious' Ashton career, he'll go on at length in an Alex-and-rocks like fashion. Mind-numbing.

12. Willy "Eth eth eth eth eth" Marco-Gardoqui
Posición: atacante
Ton jugador novo espagnol Willy eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth Chris Waddle sminky pinky mucho gol. Scoro con hockeyo ladies mucho easy. Boutros boutros gali.

13. Elmer Morrissey
Position: A & E ward
Elmer may struggle to find roommates this year, accident-prone doesn't really do him justice does it. Just as long as he avoids the hair faux pas of last year, he should be ok. Was last years liaison officer liaison officer, as it were, and with a recent vow never to score with UCC LHC people again, could be a good bet to repeat the performance.

14. Squire "Blair Witch/Eastie" O'Dwyer
Position: many
Every case of glandular fever has a silver lining (or something) and poor old Dave's unfortunate illness opens the door for Squire, who originally ruled himself out. We think he was sulking for not getting a game against 'quins last week. Expect him to make random comments about stiffness/faggots/witchcraft/Who Wants To Be A Millionaire at regular intervals throughout the week.

15. Marcus "Shouldn't he be in Germany?" Foley
Position: nobody really knows
Marcus is one of the best dribblers in the squad - his mazy runs are a sight to behold. He even had the ball under control once, in '97. Another favourite trick of Marcus is his amazing reverse flick which hits himself on the back, he does this on average once every 10 minutes. His performances will no doubt dramatically improve now that he has invested in contact lenses and can actually see the hockey ball - up to now he was relying on Obi-Wan talking to him in his head to know where it was.

16. Ciarán "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Leader, er I mean Batman" Bohane
Position: batgoal
Ciarán is another relatively quiet lad, shackled as he is to young Niamh. Expect to see him making lengthy phone calls to her during the functions. Or else he'll be on his palm computer yokie playing nokiagame.

Coach: John Rose
This is John's second season as our coach, and he is clearly relishing the challenge of controlling 16 free-spirited young men with a fondness for a pint or two - he leads by example in endorsing a lifestyle of abstinence.

Manager: Phil "Heil" Oakley
Phil is once again the man who looks after the little things, and some of the big things too. His treatment for mild megalomania went well. The squad will look forward to taking the piss out of Phil's speeches (of which there will be many). Warning: don't mention the touchy subject of finishing over an hour after Sonia in the recent Dublin city marathon.

Absent Friends:
Dave "Has never done anything controversial so nothing funny here either" Barrett
Position: left-half-forward
Hmmm, can't think of much to say here, possibly because Dave has only been on the piss with us maybe twice in two years (out of a possible 267). This is because Dave also moonlights as some sort of GAA player, can't remember if it's football or hurling, maybe it's both. Anyway they seem to take it far more seriously then us, and don't drink for 1,000,000 years before an important game. Which is why Dave doesn't go on the piss with us. Which is why there's nothing funny here. Why is this so long then?

Cathal "Thank Christ he stopped wearing that bandana" O'Sullivan
Position: Blackboard
Alas Cathal's devotion to the kids of Skibbereen (or some such place) means he was unable to join the travelling party as he couldn't get time off work. More likely he just couldn't be arsed as there are no Bandon players to fight with up there. However with his habit of getting stabbed, perhaps it's just as well.

2000-2001 Second team Player Profiles
(February 2001, by Derry and Phil)

Morgan "ABU" O'Sullivan
Position: ???
Promoted this year to the seconds where no doubt the weekly "You have a 50% chance of beating the first tackle ...etc. " words of wisdom are still being repeated. Avid Liverpool fan who will ANNIHILATE any Man Utd supporters. Quiet except for occasional bursts of "Rubbish Umpire!" or "United are shit". FUCK THIS! He's a nice guy, he's a sober link and he likes Liverpool. What else can you say about him. **

Phil "Der Führer emmh I mean Captain" Oakley
Position: Commander in Chief
Nice guy but needs to work on his vocabulary. Never going to live down the "Elitist" thing which was responsible for much bitching and piss takes. Psychotic when it comes to physicals but trying to forget a certain Dublin City Marathon (refer to Jim's Manager Profile). Speeches are not a problem BUT be prepared, stock up on beer before he starts or you will be Very Very Very THIRSTY before the end of it.

Eamon "Dodgy" Dywer
Position: Elmo's bed with certain ladies first
Eamon is pushing hard for a regular place on the firsts (to be elite or not to be elite?) Had an interesting time at the Hockey Ball (1+1+1= ???) and definitely covered himself in glory. Got acquainted with a certain hockey chick in Elmo's room. One of the dependables for a sesh in the Star or anywhere else for that matter.

Neil "Grandad and soon to be husband" Sandes
Position: Wheelchair or on better days Zimmerframe
One of our older members of the club. Sandesy decided to tie the knot this year at a secret romantic location. His dedication to the club cannot be matched however as he recently squandered his wedding ring money to replace his existing ricket loaded hip with a brand new artificial one for the McLean Cup final. He claims the hip will do more for the marriage than a ring will anyway. We wish him well with the hip (and also the marriage!!)

Eric "I observe a 2 hour alcohol ban before matches" How(without the 'e')
Position: Centre back with stick in one hand and Marlboro Light in the other.
Eric rejoined the club this year and has been stalworthy for the seconds in 'the fence'. Often seen smoking before, after and during....forget it. Often seen smoking Eric has put aside his ambitions to sail single handedly around the world while constantly smoking, to help the seconds hopefully win the McLean cup.

2000-2001 Third team Player Profiles
(February 2001, by Derry)

Back row (l-r) Cathal, Al, Ciaran M, Jonathan, Gally, Ciarán, Derry, BAZ (sic)
Front row: Finn, Steve, Marc, Fanta Baz, Vinny, Ronan
Photo taken at Ashton, 22/4/01

Baz "fanta/cola (sic)"
Position: goalie/forward
Baz changes personality and image at random from week to week. Some weeks he is the loveable teddy-bear type who inspires the team with fighting talk and otherwise drinks non-alcoholic drinks. However this is partly a lie. He is in fact a Psyhco who has no regret in viciously hacking down any player who threatens his goal. Also umpires beware, ye are NO longer safe from continuous BITCHING EVEN when Ronan isn't around. Been known to down pints of coke at ease. Has added using The SHOOTER in recent times for experimental use on minerals by the nic. ("From a bottle" for all the DUMB ASSES out there).

Alan "BIG GAY AL" Butler
Position: Sleeping at front table in strip joint.
Say NO MORE!!! **

Jonathan "Can he see his feet from that height?" Flack
Position: sweeper/sin bin
Jonathon is the calm member of the back line with only one problem, he doesn't take shit from anyone! Usually taken off if playing well in case he causes injury to team mates (no it was not intentional Ronan!) Likes to BITCH, HACK, CHOP and any other form of abuse he can hurl at whoever is in the immediate area. However with his reach NO-ONE is safe.

Ciarán "Gentle as a Lamb" Bohane
Position: Center mid/Bitching at umpire/nearby opposition
Insanity, vicious, psychopath etc. come to mind when you think about this MAD MAN. Menace to society doesn't even come close. NO SCA due to girlfriend type situation. Only known vices are bitching at anyone nearby and playing with Palm Top Thingy (Note to self: Rob Palm Top Thingy and hold for ransom.)

Eoin "Who ate all the pies?/Gally" Gallagher
Position: Center back/forward wannabe
Noted for his one-handed control of ball while running up the center of the pitch. Very solid in defence but refuses to use two hands on the stick in tackles (much to the shock of his coaches). No known vices. Moderate drinker who likes the occasional one or ten after/before/during training and/or matches. Gally is The Homeless Link having slept in numerous buildings in college and many nights in random other houses. Appears to have been attacked recently by a certain member of the ladies club (think goalies). Notorious for missing lifts to matches 'cause he is a DUMB ASS!!!

Eoin "alcoholic under-ager" Mills ***
Position: sitting at a bar stool
A youngster in our midst. Plays well and fitted in nicely in the club. Possible contender for best drinker in the club after a small bit of seasoning. Pints are not a problem but needs to work on the shots side of things. Might have to be given a book of calm. In fact that is definitely a good idea after the Hockey Ball. Recently refused to go to rehab as 100% certainty to fail/escape within 60 seconds.

Steve "Recently converted Tee-Totaller" Warren
Position: upright until recently
Steve only recently discovered the wonder that we call 'beer'. Bit of an enigma and hasn't covered himself with glory with the ladies club (no random gossip there). Seems far too sedate for the team but has played well all year. **

Ciaran "RED SOCKS" Martin
Position: Right Mid/red socks
Great guy and talented but can't get his head around the socks issue (red v white, how hard could it be?) Like Steve, a quiet guy and has so far resisted the temptation of the ladies club. What has the Thirds team been up to this season? **

Owen "Eamon's ickle bro" Dywer
Position: Top half of the pitch somewhere
Seldom seen so no comments to make really. Has a lot to live up to after his Big Brothers exploits at the Hockey Ball. Plays well . Nice guy

Ronan "Utility player" Enright
Position: Somewhere on the pitch
Ronan is the ultimate utility player capable of playing anywhere on the pitch. Used a lot for man marking (literally). Great player and a laugh on a night out except for the very occasional bitching (at least every 10 minutes) which occurs. Stops our players from being sent off by threatening the opposition hence distracting the umpire from the matter in hand. Possibly also needs a Book of Calm. Henceforth to be known as Captain Idiot...

Vinnie "Elmo the Second" Fennell
Position: on his ass
Vinnie is a great asset to the team but tries to be too much like Elmo. Spends lots of time aqua-planing on the astroturf. Socially he isn't out much due to his managerial position in the cricket club which involves many nights coinciding with hockey piss-ups. Likes nothing better than to wrap himself in cotton wool. Loves Suicide Missions against goalie (the bigger the better). Thief when it comes to dessert at the Hockey Ball. Hasn't figured out yet how to spell his name.

Derry "Typo" Delany
Position: Center Forward/bar stool
Works well in tandem with Ronan up front. Apparently watched a soccer match in the Thirsty the day after the Ball but has no recollection due to Power Napping at the time. Has respectfully resigned as Club Idiot due to never being able to match the Idiot Master himself. NO more slating of Derry in these Profiles 'cause he is writing them.

Mark "Do I have to go to the hospital???" O'Leary
Position: Refer to Vinnie
Apparently has no limit to pain. Likes to see the bones in his fingers after splitting it open. Has played on and off for years but has improved no end this year. Like Vinnie he has yet to find a hockey chick for himself but we are awaiting developments on that situation as we speak.

Finn "Ghost" Glynn
Position: up front
Very talented player but doesn't appear to like the coaches. I'm sure nothing personal with them but rarely trains. Girlfriend appears not to like Cork and hauls him off to Dublin most weekends. Has only appeared a few times this year and managed to avoid the madness that is The Hockey Ball. Don't see enough of him to say any more.

Mark "Who???" Holland
Position : ???
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Manager: Cathal "Bandon Boy of the many badanas" O'Sullivan ***
Very enthuasiastic about "his" team. Likes to show strict discipline while playing. Notorious for sneaking off to the A&E whenever he can. On first name basis with doctors, etc. Tee-Totaler (all lies) who is never involved with members from the other club (again all lies). He is a PSYCHOTIC LUNATIC and requires Cautious Handling when Hungover. Running in the SU elections for Welfare. Noted for MILLIONS of tactical substitutions and is a brilliant tactician in matches. Still waiting for him to bring a Blackboard to draw tactics on before a match.

Coach: Alma "Wednesday" Carey
Alma is very dedicated to the team and manages to make it to nearly all the matches. Likes to bitch at Gally and Derry for one handed tackles. Occasionally decides to abandon training due to weather but forgets to inform the team. Has helped inprove the thirds team no end this year. Henceforth to be know as Mousey due to the mouse-like noise emitted when tickled etc.

Coach: Lisa "Monday" Ryan
Also very dedicated to the team. Refer to Alma regarding Derry and Gally. Lisa is the sensible part of the coaching/managerial team. On no account however must she be left near a dance floor while under the influence due to Complete Insanity taking over. Noted for Physicals on Mondays as punishment for the teams previous nights exploits.

Spare Manager: Syb "Disco Girls" Buckley
Syb has contributed much to the men's club over the last two years. She has managed to acquire a team of her own complete with goalie which was some achievement. Unable to attend the Hockey Ball where she would have been odds on favourite to add subs to that list. Occasionally likes repetition (think Love Rat) but also goes for the reverse option (Love Rat and Bandana Boy in role reversal shocker!!!) Proud owner of the "Syb Corner" in FX. What will we do next year when she goes to Germany?

** These people are part of a drugs/prostitution cartel and are extremely dangerous. They are wanted in 15 different countries and should be treated with extreme caution. Mug Shots will be available shortly but they change appearance regularly. You have been warned.

*** These people have a habit of finishing up other peoples efforts????