varsities

Time was when what happened at the varsities stayed at the varsities. Now it gets transmitted all around the world via the Internet

Report of the 1998 Hockey Intervarsities.

Player Nigs

1. Ciaran Bohane Quite mad. Despite starting in goals just three weeks ago, Ciaran was our player of the tournament. Drinks Sambuca like a man i.e. ties on shirts off, and when he sees others scoring, rings Niamh to help resist temptation.How lovely. Very unlucky not to stop South Antrim's brilliant fifth goal.

2. Marrkuus Foolee Hands up, baby, hands up, if you hate Marcus, if you hate Marcus. With a Galway girl on Wednesday; "I like her cos she studies Physics" ...I did not make that up.Hurt his hamstring on Saturday cos he refused to stay warm . Silly boy. Went looking for someone to massage it (his hamstring) on Saturday night and got plenty of takers. Clever boy.

3. Les Roycroft Wuss who refused to travel to Belfast cos he claimed his "leg" was sore. Word has it that his girlfriend was in Dublin on Friday night, so he faked injury. Pity, cos he was badly missed in Jordanstown, especially from short corners.

4. Alex 'the' Blacque Dreadful organisational skills, dreadful hockey skills, dreadful to listen to, dreadful to look at, just plain dreadful. Twisted after three pints on Saturday night, but he did manage to pull. As Jim said "Alex was so drunk he couldn't talk. Hey, that's how he managed to get a score."

5. Jeremy Sweetnam Like all the lickle freshers, Jer giggles uncontrollably at the most unfunny things (like Enright's jokes). Claimed that his bird on Wednesday night wasn't that bad looking, which may have been true once, but let's just say that the menopause hasn't done her any favours. Giddy like a kid after a couple of double vodkas in Lisburn, he went on the prowl with Marcus. Needs a haircut.

6. Simon MacIscariot How to be a Judas in three easy steps:
Wednesday: Score with a bird that FM was going to score with.
Quote: "I didn't know Alan was with her."
Thursday: Score with a bird who Hutch scored with an hour ago.
Quote: "I didn't know Mark was with her."
Saturday: "Score with a bird who Johnny scored with a minute ago.
Quote: "I didn't know Johnny was with her."
Also scored with **censored** and Aoife McCarthy.
Saw Alex playing well at left back in training, so took his place for the varsities. Judas.

7. Gavin Jeffery "Delicate but deceptively strong",© Nan Kearney, Gav is very choosy about his ladies. Slept with two dogs from Galway on Wednesday night, but wisely refused to score with either. Did better at the banquet, but not in Belfast. Safe as a house (of cards) in defence.

8. Eoghan O'Dire Squire had some fun in a corridor on Thursday night, which was good of him as all the lads got to watch for free on nigs the surveillance camera downstairs. Received a crank phone call at 3am after the banquet but used his lightning speed to evade awkward questions about it. Foiled by the lads on Wednesday.

9. Steve Cody The elder statesman on the team, Cody played superbly against UL (scoring two great goals), but was chronic for the rest of the week. Announced his engagement to JoHy at the banquet, so that the Queens boys would buy him free drink. Clever boy.

10. Sam Fuller Touch of the Judas about our captain and Irish Unis star. Scored with the liason officer on Wednesday night cos Marcus said she was cute. Starred in steamy erotic thriller with Jennifer Lawson on the Thursday night, which is hitting cinemas in time for Christmas. Also injured against South Antrim.

11. Mark Hutchinson Hutch attempted to become a human spiderman up a 200ft crane on Monday night in DCU, until Eddie the 4ft bouncer spoilt his fun and ruined a perfectly good pair of CKs. Knows whats it's like to have been Judased.

12. Sebastian Klenk Our German superstar. Brilliant in midfield, (especially vs UCD), at the back, and of course eminently quotable:
Scoring : "The girls in Ireland are very forward."
Drinking : "Enjoy your night everybody............slainte."
Inspiring : "C'mon everybody."
Hygenic : "Look. this girl uses the same shaving foam as I do."
Insulting : "Alex, where's a good place in Cork to get a haircut? Actually Alex, never mind (pause)...
Ciaran, where's a good place in Cork........"

13. John Enright Delivered a five hour monologue on Wednesday night and subsequently lost his voice. Ha-Ha. Tried to use this as an excuse for not scoring at the banquet. Made a friend for life from Bangladesh and was Judased on Saturday night. Unbelievably, he stopped a short corner against UCD.

14. Jim Butler Definitely one of the best four drinkers in the club, Jim hates the Galway bitches, preferring 6ft blondes instead - and who nigs could blame him? Made his debut for the firsts vs UL, and was Man of the Match vs Surgeons.

15. Andy Tait Like Jim, Andy made his debut for the firsts vs UL and also played in the Irish Senior Cup game. Like Judas, broke up with the girlfriend just before the varsities, but too much of a gentleman to become a hate figure like Judas is.

16. Sean O Mahony Went home early but not before scoring with Jimmy Hill (remember that chin) on Wednesday and an Irish senior on Thursday (very impressive). Also verified Niamh's 34C girth for the lads at the banquet. Imagine the damage Shoulders could have done in Belfast. Well he couldn't have been worse than Ciaran anyway. PS I can't let this opportunity pass without reminding everybody about Shoulders' achievement at the UCG Science Ball. You know what I mean.

Mark Stanton What do you call an old hockey player from Tasmania?
Anything you like, he can't hear you. Sorry mate, it's the hair, sorry...sorry mate? Captain in Jordanstown, where he offered words of advice to everyone (and I do mean everyone).

Alan Martin
Coach Refused to sit on nigs the bus to Belfast with Judas, so FM went home early. Did a good impression of George for a week, demanding that we "switch, switch" at every opportunity. Met a Trinners chick on Thursday, but thankfully it wasn't Rolly's sister.

Philip Oakley
Physio The junior PRO assumed the position of physio for the week, which involved getting the lads warm and nigs focused before every game. Similarily to Judas, likes to feed on other fella's birds. Two good examples at the banquet, once where he scored with a Trinners bird who was there with her boyfriend... good stuff fella. The other example? Mmm...

Quotes of the varsities

"It's got to the stage, you're with a bird, you can't close your eyes in case Judas sticks a third tongue in" - Squire
"So I suppose there's no Ferrero Rocher for Patsy" - Jim Buler
"You must be Johnny" - Bangladeshi guy
"She wasn't built for speed" - Phil Oakley
"Who's Jill Hodgins" - Jeremy Sweetnam
See Sebastian Klenk

Player	Nigs
1. Ciaran Bohane	Quite mad. Despite starting in goals just three weeks ago, Ciaran was our player of the tournament. Drinks Sambuca like a man i.e. ties on shirts off, and when he sees others scoring, rings Niamh to help resist temptation.How lovely. Very unlucky not to stop South Antrim's brilliant fifth goal.
2. Marrkuus Foolee	Hands up, baby, hands up, if you hate Marcus, if you hate Marcus. With a Galway girl on Wednesday; "I like her cos she studies Physics" ...I did not make that up.Hurt his hamstring on Saturday cos he refused to stay warm . Silly boy. Went looking for someone to massage it (his hamstring) on Saturday night and got plenty of takers. Clever boy.
3. Les Roycroft	Wuss who refused to travel to Belfast cos he claimed his "leg" was sore. Word has it that his girlfriend was in Dublin on Friday night, so he faked injury. Pity, cos he was badly missed in Jordanstown, especially from short corners.
4. Alex 'the' Blacque	Dreadful organisational skills, dreadful hockey skills, dreadful to listen to, dreadful to look at, just plain dreadful. Twisted after three pints on Saturday night, but he did manage to pull. As Jim said "Alex was so drunk he couldn't talk. Hey, that's how he managed to get a score."
5. Jeremy Sweetnam	Like all the lickle freshers, Jer giggles uncontrollably at the most unfunny things (like Enright's jokes). Claimed that his bird on Wednesday night wasn't that bad looking, which may have been true once, but let's just say that the menopause hasn't done her any favours. Giddy like a kid after a couple of double vodkas in Lisburn, he went on the prowl with Marcus. Needs a haircut.
6. Simon MacIscariot	How to be a Judas in three easy steps: Wednesday: Score with a bird that FM was going to score with. Quote: "I didn't know Alan was with her." Thursday: Score with a bird who Hutch scored with an hour ago. Quote: "I didn't know Mark was with her." Saturday: "Score with a bird who Johnny scored with a minute ago. Quote: "I didn't know Johnny was with her." Also scored with censored and Aoife McCarthy. Saw Alex playing well at left back in training, so took his place for the varsities. Judas.
7. Gavin Jeffery	"Delicate but deceptively strong",© Nan Kearney, Gav is very choosy about his ladies. Slept with two dogs from Galway on Wednesday night, but wisely refused to score with either. Did better at the banquet, but not in Belfast. Safe as a house (of cards) in defence.
8. Eoghan O'Dire	Squire had some fun in a corridor on Thursday night, which was good of him as all the lads got to watch for free on nigs the surveillance camera downstairs. Received a crank phone call at 3am after the banquet but used his lightning speed to evade awkward questions about it. Foiled by the lads on Wednesday.
9. Steve Cody	The elder statesman on the team, Cody played superbly against UL (scoring two great goals), but was chronic for the rest of the week. Announced his engagement to JoHy at the banquet, so that the Queens boys would buy him free drink. Clever boy.
10. Sam Fuller	Touch of the Judas about our captain and Irish Unis star. Scored with the liason officer on Wednesday night cos Marcus said she was cute. Starred in steamy erotic thriller with Jennifer Lawson on the Thursday night, which is hitting cinemas in time for Christmas. Also injured against South Antrim.
11. Mark Hutchinson	Hutch attempted to become a human spiderman up a 200ft crane on Monday night in DCU, until Eddie the 4ft bouncer spoilt his fun and ruined a perfectly good pair of CKs. Knows whats it's like to have been Judased.
12. Sebastian Klenk	Our German superstar. Brilliant in midfield, (especially vs UCD), at the back, and of course eminently quotable: Scoring : "The girls in Ireland are very forward." Drinking : "Enjoy your night everybody............slainte." Inspiring : "C'mon everybody." Hygenic : "Look. this girl uses the same shaving foam as I do." Insulting : "Alex, where's a good place in Cork to get a haircut? Actually Alex, never mind (pause)... Ciaran, where's a good place in Cork........"
13. John Enright	Delivered a five hour monologue on Wednesday night and subsequently lost his voice. Ha-Ha. Tried to use this as an excuse for not scoring at the banquet. Made a friend for life from Bangladesh and was Judased on Saturday night. Unbelievably, he stopped a short corner against UCD.
14. Jim Butler	Definitely one of the best four drinkers in the club, Jim hates the Galway bitches, preferring 6ft blondes instead - and who nigs could blame him? Made his debut for the firsts vs UL, and was Man of the Match vs Surgeons.
15. Andy Tait	Like Jim, Andy made his debut for the firsts vs UL and also played in the Irish Senior Cup game. Like Judas, broke up with the girlfriend just before the varsities, but too much of a gentleman to become a hate figure like Judas is.
16. Sean O Mahony	Went home early but not before scoring with Jimmy Hill (remember that chin) on Wednesday and an Irish senior on Thursday (very impressive). Also verified Niamh's 34C girth for the lads at the banquet. Imagine the damage Shoulders could have done in Belfast. Well he couldn't have been worse than Ciaran anyway. PS I can't let this opportunity pass without reminding everybody about Shoulders' achievement at the UCG Science Ball. You know what I mean.
Mark Stanton	What do you call an old hockey player from Tasmania? Anything you like, he can't hear you. Sorry mate, it's the hair, sorry...sorry mate? Captain in Jordanstown, where he offered words of advice to everyone (and I do mean everyone).
Alan Martin Coach	Refused to sit on nigs the bus to Belfast with Judas, so FM went home early. Did a good impression of George for a week, demanding that we "switch, switch" at every opportunity. Met a Trinners chick on Thursday, but thankfully it wasn't Rolly's sister.
Philip Oakley Physio	The junior PRO assumed the position of physio for the week, which involved getting the lads warm and nigs focused before every game. Similarily to Judas, likes to feed on other fella's birds. Two good examples at the banquet, once where he scored with a Trinners bird who was there with her boyfriend... good stuff fella. The other example? Mmm...