Coming Out Day

Our Stories - Anonymous

11 Oct 2010

Question 1: Can you introduce yourself please?

My name is irrelevant, as is my profession, which sounds like I am avoiding exposure, but I am exactly the same as you; I have the same fears and the same hopes, but I truly believe that sexuality is fluid, especially for women, and that for a lot of us we are attracted to many elements of a person’s being: physicality, intellectualism, emotional capacity, sense of humour, ambitions, morals, core values, goals, and more. I am a romantic and I believe that the person I choose to bond with for life will embody most, if not all, of these elements, and that person might be of either sex – the gender really does not factor dominantly.

Question 2: At what age did you realise that you were gay or at least not straight.

As a teenager I was attracted to both genders, but like most people, I glossed over it as a ‘normal’ phase one goes through when getting to know oneself, like having a crush on one’s teacher. But it wasn’t something I could shake, if I felt attracted to other females, then that made me a lesbian, right? So when I could not shake off an attraction to women, I had to face up to things…

Question 3: So when did you come out?

I was drinking wine with my mother watching Star Trek at 2am, Seven-of-nine came on screen and I said “Mum, I have something to tell you” as I explained to her that I was more of a fan of Jeri Ryan than I was of the men in the show…Because I believed I was a lesbian and in a category, I then made formal announcements to my close friends, and I wore my rainbow belt with pride.

Question 4: And how have things been since you’ve come out? Have you had any negative reactions?

I came out and then I went back into the closet… and that was the problem, the very notion of there even being a closet, having to be one or the other – gay or straight. I genuinely love people, if I click with someone I will explore it – it’s not about a gender, it’s about a person. I don’t think I have had negative reactions per se, but then I move in a world where I am surrounded by free thinkers, artists and creative types, all of whom are as willing as I am to believe in sexuality being fluid, and labels being stifling.

Question 5: Who was the hardest person to tell?

I suppose if I am honest it is not a facet of my being that I immediately divulge – and I like to think neither do I tell people I have a nice voice, that I am many things and as one gets to know me one becomes more aware of me as a whole… But that is somewhat of a lie. Every time someone new finds out I have dated women and have dated men I feel judged. I feel judged by “straight” people for being “gay” and I feel judged by the LGBT community for being “straight” … It never gets any easier if you’re being honest about it.

Question 6: What advice would you have for someone thinking of coming out?

After a couple of years of asserting myself as a lesbian and being happy with the label and feeling part of a club, I’ve gone through a lot of thinking and a few relationships, with both men and women… The conclusion I have reached is that I am incredibly uncomfortable with labels, and not in a reactionary cop-out way, but really and truly I despise being categorised. Judge me if you will, but I fall for people based on a connection I have with them, not on whether they are male or female. I do not feel more at ease dating one gender over another, I feel more at ease dating some people over others. My advice to you if you are thinking of coming out, is not to feel pressured into being one way or the other – be yourself, explore relationships with all types of people and realise there is a whole world out there to explore; constraints in what you should and should not be make it more complicated than necessary. Your sexuality is not the sum of your parts; it is merely a facet of an overall person… Just live life the way you want and don’t be concerned with outside opinion.

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